Episodes

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Wayne Gretzky.

Today we’re going to talk about how to get into the proper framework when you’re going to have a challenging conversation. Previously, we talked about how to have an excellent tough conversation. Now we’re going to say how to get ready for it. What do you need to do ahead of time to ensure your brain is in the proper place to make this conversation properly.

So if you have a challenging situation, the first step is just accepting that this will be tough. It just is. As soon as you start getting comfortable with that, it will help you stop being so defensive and not be so worried about the conversation. Having a conversation that you just know will be tough, and it’s making you stressed out. You feel nervous. You’re upset about those things. Instead of thinking about how this conversation will be wrong, try to re-frame it into “my boss and I are going to come up with alternative solutions.”  “This is going to be great because now is going to give me a clear path to knowing what it is I need to do.”  Reframe the situation so that you can give it a better construction, give it a more positive light, and help you in the future Instead of focusing on that really tough hour or that really tough conversation you’re going to have.

 Then venting, talking to your best friend, or talking to your parents or someone close to you about this conversation and just letting it all flow out of you get it out of your system, all the destructive emotions, all the anger, whatever’s riling you up. Just get it out. Because as soon as you do that, it will leave your system for the most part. It’ll be cathartic. It’ll be less likely to come out when you’re actually having the conversation.

One thing I like to do whenever I’m training customers, or I’m going to have a tough conversation, is I try to remember my first few lines. I will go through and repeat what the first 5-10 minutes of the conversation might sound like. So I have a down in my head. Conversations or training or anything difficult is always tough at the beginning. If you can get at least the first three to five lines memorized in your head about what you’re going to say. Usually, the conversation goes much more smoothly After that point.

Make sure you get a good night’s sleep or take a nap. If this conversation is happening later in the day, you want to be sharp. I know it’s sometimes hard to sleep, especially if you’re going to have a tough conversation, or you’re going to negotiate for a raise, or you’re going to talk to your spouse about something. But try the best you can to get a good night’s sleep.

If this event is going to be first thing in the morning, the next day, try to lay stuff out ahead of time, you’re going to go to work, and you’re going to have this tough conversation, pack your work bag ahead of time, bring some snacks, wear the right clothes, but get everything laid out ahead of time. So that you’re not thinking on this very stressful day, typically, on a very stressful morning, all these little details. It’s gonna be stressful enough.

This one’s important to me, pick the right time of day. If you’re going to have a tough conversation and not a morning person, don’t schedule them for the morning. Make sure that you’re doing this in the time of day, that’s particularly good, not just for you, But for the other person too. You know you want to make sure that this conversation is successful for everyone involved in it. My friend, who’s a morning person, says that she loves to do things very early because she’s not worrying about it all day long. And I absolutely get that. I think that’s an excellent point  Because if you make a stressful conversation, and you do it in the afternoon, sometimes it does cause you to worry. I know personally, I’m not very good in the morning. But you’ll have to figure out what’s suitable for both parties.

 If you’re going to talk to someone, it’s best not just to plop into their office or ambush your husband the second he comes home. So how was your day? Can we talk about something that’s been annoying me lately? You know you do that to people? Because you’re looking for the right time to have a conversation. Why don’t you give that other person the opportunity to find the right time for that conversation? “Hi, honey, I have something that I really need to talk to you about. It’s been pretty stressful for me. I’d love to get it off my chest and see what you think about it. When would be a good time for us to talk about it? This just has to do with how we divide the chores. I don’t want you to worry. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. We just need to talk some things over.” If you want to absolutely destroy me as a human being. Just come up to me and say, “Hi, Jill, I’d like to talk about something stressful. Can we come up with a time at the end of this week to talk about it?” I will think of nothing else until that meeting.

If you are scheduling something with your spouse, with your boss, with your co-worker, whoever it is that you give them a little bit of an idea what this is about. ” something’s just been really bugging me about how we break up the chores in the house. I’m wondering if later this week, we could talk about maybe a different plan in place of how we do that” you know, something so that that person is not freaking out. You don’t want to scare people.

And what happens is, as you start this process of trying to negotiate, just think back to the times when you’ve been successful in your life. You have been successful in your life in dealing with things. Whether it was when you were a kid, with your parents, or with professors in college, you have had successes. You might not be able to think of them off the top of your head, but they’re there. So if you can remember, I’ve done this before, I’m good at this. I can win on these types of things. It’ll help you feel more confident when you go into a negotiation. Or if you ask the question, how have I successfully handled this kind of situation in the past, which might be a tough conversation that you had with someone, whether it was a friend or a co-worker. But again, trying to do that.

And then to pump yourself up, Alexandra Carter says, play some Rocky-style music in your head or out loud, and then imagine what posture you’re in. what location you’re in. make sure you get that joy, that exhilaration so that you feel pumped up and ready to go. Think about if you’re going to get a raise. Imagine that money for the first time coming into your bank account. Or if you’re asking for a promotion, the first time you get to your new office, try to focus on the exhilaration of what it is you’re trying to get. And even if, in the end, the success of your negotiation is quite different than what you actually got, you know, still put excitement into your attitude.

Also, make sure that you eat a good meal that day before your negotiations. You eat a good breakfast. You eat a good lunch, have some snacks. I find that if I’m having a very tough day, my metabolism, which isn’t particularly significant, will suddenly go into overdrive, and I will burn through meals like crazy. And if I start running low on blood sugar, I actually begin to feel jittery, which gives me the impression I’m nervous when I’m just a little bit hungry. Being hungry or having low blood sugar can give you this feeling that you’re scared. So make sure that at least on that day, you eat enough to make sure that you do great in your negotiations, even if it’s a little bit more than what you usually eat.

And make sure that you get a chance to exercise. It’ll help you burn off that excess energy.

Ensure that you spend time maybe the night before or during that day with someone you like or someone you love and have a good laugh.

If you have a mentor, this would be a great time to bring them in and help you work through these negotiations. Sometimes, unfortunately, your boss can be a mentor to you, Making it a little bit difficult. But if you can find a mentor who’s not involved in this particular situation, then bring them in private so that you can talk about that.

One thing I always like is the power pose by Amy Cuddy. And that’s where you’re standing there like a superhero. And I like that. I think it makes me feel good. I love to do it Before I’m giving a speech or before I’m doing training. I don’t know if it’s because it’s a little bit of play-acting or if the power pose works just to make you feel powerful. But it helps me when I’m about to do something tricky.

Make sure that you make the commitment to yourself that you’re actually going to do this thing. I know for me, if I can avoid having any type of tough conversation at work or at home, I will just put it off. So scheduling it, actually getting something on the calendar, particularly with that other person on an invitation, will help you commit to doing it.

And then make sure you schedule something fun afterwards. You’re going to be jittery, you’re going to be nervous, this whole conversation is going to roll around in your head. And so, if you schedule something fun to do afterward, you’ll be able to burn off some of that excess energy and de-stress quite a bit.

Remind yourself that you have survived tough conversations before and that not only that, it made you better. Just remember that if you have this tough conversation, you’re going to be so much better at it in the future. Build those muscles.

Make sure that you play your favorite music or maybe a funny TV show, but something that gets your mind off of it. You can do dance around your house, burn off some of that energy and have some fun. It helps you get into that proper mindset.

Before making this very stressful conversation, I like to walk in nature. If I can get out and just go into a park or sit under a tree, it makes me feel a lot better.

And one thing that I try to tell myself all the time when I’m going to do something, I think is tough. I just tell myself, you know what, in an hour, this will all be over. I know a stressful team Now. by the time you look at your watch, and it says two o’clock, this is done. And that makes me feel better knowing there’s a place in time where this is done, And I don’t have to dwell on this anymore. Just remind yourself, this is actually a very short period of time.

I like to have a slogan when I’m going to either give a speech or do a negotiation or have a tough conversation. That’s something I just repeat in my head. Maybe you call it a mantra, perhaps you call it self-talk, whatever it is, but it’s something like you got this or remembered to smile. Make sure that you speak slowly. Whatever it is that you’re trying to get yourself to do in this particular situation, I just repeated in my head over and over again so that I can get there.

On the days where I’m going to have a tough conversation, whether at home or at work or someplace else, I make sure that I don’t get myself embroiled in any other drama that day. Before the conversation or after, I want to stay focused on the issue at hand during that day. I don’t want to get myself stressed out with other things. Likewise, after the conversation is over, I don’t want to have a tough conversation, And then an hour after that meeting, I have another tough discussion. I want to make sure that this is a day that I’m really just focused on this one issue.

Some ideas that I like to do that I learned from the app Headspace, which gives some advice on helping you to sleep at night when your brain is running away with you. These suggestions also work during the day. So the first suggestion is pushing away bad thoughts. What they do is they call this Noting. And so if you all of a sudden get this thought that pops into your brain, man, you’re just gonna screw this up to date, you have asked for raises before you’ve never gotten them. But what you do is you note that it’s there, and you identify “a thought,” “a fear,” “an emotion.” That way, it kind of pops like a balloon. As soon as you note a thought is floating around in your head, and you just identify it as a thought, it goes away. It’s fascinating. It’s an excellent technique for helping you sleep. But it’s also one from keeping negative thoughts out of your head when you’re trying to get yourself ready for a tough conversation.

https://www.headspace.com/

And then there’s what they call square breathing. This is a relaxation technique they use for someone trying to sleep, but it also works for stress. And so that’s where you breathe in for four seconds, you hold your breath for four seconds, you breathe out for four seconds, and then you live in again. And then you just started again, and you go through this breathing process a couple of times until your stress levels drop again. But if you do it for a couple of minutes, it will help you regulate some of those negative emotions you have.

Happier.com suggests that when you’re having a conversation, particularly with a spouse, or someone in your family or friendships, first of all, they suggest not to say, “Can we talk?” That’s scary. I mentioned that before, think about how you’re going to start the conversation. Make sure that you stay on topic. Don’t try to manipulate the other person by saying, “Oh, can we go to a restaurant and have a good meal?” and then pounce on them at the restaurant. And they say you don’t immediately jump into the conversation when you’re doing this. If you set aside a certain time, like, let’s go to lunch tomorrow, let’s talk about this, mainly when it’s a personal relationship, You need to warm up the situation. How’s your day been so far? Oh, wow, this spaghetti looks fantastic.

https://www.happier.com/blog/5-tips-for-surviving-a-really-bad-day/

And the best advice they said is to know when to get help.

Also, be curious. You always want to take these types of situations and make them into curious experiments. Try to find out what’s going on with that other person. If you notice that your spouse has just been cranky every day after work, and you just can’t get a word in edgeways because they’re just blowing off steam. And it’s just been hard to deal with find out what exactly is going on. It may be that they don’t like what they do anymore. Or when they blow off steam, it helps them to forget the day, whatever it is. but make sure that you look for those curious questions so that you learn more

Summary

1. Make sure you get a good night’s sleep, a good meal before your tough conversation, and that you pack all the essential things that you’re going to need that day so that you don’t have to worry about anything else But having a great conversation,
2. Make sure you cheer yourself up by playing your favorite music, by playing the rocky theme. Whatever it is, that will get you excited to have this tough conversation. Make sure you burn off your energy. Dance around the room. Get some exercise or go for a walk outside. It’s essential to go in there with the proper mental framework.
3. Identify harsh thoughts. Ensure that if your thinking goes astray, and you start having very negative thoughts that use the Noting system to push them away. Also, use breathing techniques to help you relax to be in the right frame of mind.
4. Make sure that you don’t jump on the other person for the conversation. You warm them up. You talk about the fact that we’re going to have a tough conversation. But whatever you do, don’t just bring them out to dinner and then jump into the conversation without warning.
5. Pick a good location. Pick the proper time of the day. Give yourself a mental phrase to repeat in your head. That is the most important thing that you need to remember in the course of this meeting. Be strong. Talk slowly.
6. No one to get help, Whether that’s a mentor, a friend, someone to vent to, or professional counseling.

Challenge

Try to pick a day that is just going to be stressful for you. In general, you don’t even have to have a tough conversation. It’s just something that’s maybe not your favorite day. Try some of these packing techniques, playing happy music, going for a walk in the woods, or noting your negative thoughts. See if those are the kinds of things that will help clear your mind so that you’re in the right frame of mind to have your stressful day, your challenging day, or maybe just any day. But you want to start learning before you have these tough conversations. What really helps you to calm down, have a good outlook, and have the right energy.

Here’s our fun entertainment advice for the week. This one comes from Roadhouse.

“All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.”

Well, that’s a pretty good bit of advice. Make sure that you never fight in the bar.

“We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers.” – Carl Sagan.

Today we’re going to talk about the book, Ask for More by Alexandra Carter. But this time, we’re going to talk about the questions she says you should ask during negotiations. First of all, she says, don’t ask questions that start with a non-action verb like “be” or “do”. “Is it going to rain tomorrow?” “Did my presentation work well with the audience?” All of those are closed questions. They don’t really lead to anything. It’s a little bit of how we talked about, trying to spur on conversations and feedback with other people on episode 26. So if you say something like, “Do you like vegetarian food?” The person will say, ‘Yes,’ maybe it’ll say, “I eat it all the time.’ Maybe there’s one more sentence there. We’re trying to get a good conversation going with people or trying to strike up questions that bring us more information. This is different from the podcast episode that we did that talked about having interesting conversations. These are fact-finding conversations. We don’t want to start with “is” and “be” and “do”. We want to start asking open questions.

Book

Then she talks about Fishing with a Net using the power of open questions. She said to make sure that you’re asking action questions. You’re not asking these closed-ended questions. She says, don’t use “why” questions. “Why” implies blame. “What” questions indicate what can I do to get this promotion? Instead of “Why don’t I ever get promoted? Terrible, right? The “what” question really starts the direction of a conversation into how can I get there?

She said that she thinks of this human emotion and that gut instinct as a volcano. Volcanoes can produce new life, new land. It is a growth process. But it can also destroy property and destroy life itself. It’s the same thing with emotions. It just depends on how the emotion is coming out of the volcano, whether beneficial or damaging.

We’re going to talk about some questions that Alexander Carter says are good questions to ask in a negotiation and I would say even a tough conversation. The first question she mentions is using the phrase “tell me”. She says that is the “wellspring of innovation” because it gives you the ability to learn what the other person is thinking. “Tell me what your view is?” “Tell me what you see my role in this company is in five years?” “Tell me what you think about what I just told you?” Or the ultimate “tell me”, “Tell me more.” Sometimes when you leave it open-ended like that, you’ll get better details about what you’re looking for. So let’s say you’re going in for a negotiation with your boss on a promotion. She says, “I really see you being in charge of this team someday,” and you say, “Tell me more.” That will give her some ability to flesh out some of the details she thinks will happen in this promotion and how you’re going to get there. The “tell me” the question is so important.

Sometimes if you’re confused about exactly why you’re having a meeting or maybe you didn’t instigate the discussion that you’re having you can even say, “Tell me your hopes for this meeting.” “Tell me what you’re looking for.” “Tell me what’s on your mind.” Again, these types of questions will help you. Alexandra talks about looking for a new job. “Tell me your thoughts about this role.” These are great ways to talk about a new job that you’re pursuing. She gives the example of someone who started with a company, and they have a compensation package change after the first two years of employment. She’s just going into the meeting and saying, “I’d love if you could tell me from your perspective how things have gone this past year.” It’s a great question that will give insight into what your boss’s thinking.

She says to Land the Plane. Landing the Plane means that you ask the key “tell me” questions. It is critically important to do this step. Once you’ve asked that key “tell me” question that will finish the negotiation, don’t ask something else after you’ve made your successful negotiations.

She says it’s essential that we enjoy the silence. I don’t know about you, but I hate silence. It makes me squirm inside. If I ask a really tough question. “Tell me what you think about our relationship. Is it going okay?” And then there’s silence there. My mind is going wild, trying to invent all the answers that the other person is making up. It is essential to give that person the time to answer the question honestly and from the heart. And she says, if you’re nervous about the silence, look them in the eye and a friendly expression. Start counting in your head. I think for me that counting in my head would probably make me more nervous. So maybe you just want to label things with letters or something that’s not a number. I’m really good with numbers. And so numbers would make me do the math on how long it’s been since I’ve heard something. But she says, challenges yourself to see how high you can go before that silence is broken. And if you’re on the phone, and this is a tough phone call, make sure that you’re walking around, you’re getting a stretch, look out the window, staring at something pleasant.

And then asking the question, “What do you need? It’s the one thing that gets to the key issue that’s going there. For example, if you’re in negotiation over a house you’re trying to buy, and you’re trying to get the person selling the house to do something, and you say, Tell me what you need to get this done. We put the house on the market, and you suggested that you want to move in immediately. If you can actually give us a couple of months to get these repairs done, that will help us actually do what you’re asking us to do. If that’s reasonable. There you go. So by asking the question, “Tell me what you need,” you might know precisely what it is that’s causing them to pause and giving you a positive answer. And then make sure that you listen to them, you follow up with good follow-up questions. Whenever you follow up with questions, it makes them realize you’ve listened to them, you’ve heard what they said. So if you came back and said, you just need an extra couple of months to get this done. What about giving you three months to get this done, and now they know you heard them and that you’re responding to what they asked for.

Then she says to listen to what wasn’t said. She warns that body language can be complex. Sometimes, you see these books that say that crossed arms are people who are close to ideas. They may not be closed to you. It might have had something to do with the last meeting they were in, maybe their back’s killing them that day, and they just had their arms crossed because their shoulders hurt. You don’t even know what the answer is. She said that instead of looking at body language, look for changes in the body language. For example, the person had their arms all crossed up when you walked into the room. And then suddenly, they started opening up more without their arms being crossed. That’s a positive sign. If the person was initially paying attention to you and now suddenly is looking at their email or staring at the wall and not paying attention, maybe this meeting has gone on too long.

And if the negotiations aren’t going well, then what you can do is sometimes put the ball back in their court. Which would be “What would a workable solution look like to you?” That forces them to be part of the solution. If your boss asked to have a daily call with you, it has got to take a lot of time away from your project. Can you help me understand exactly what this daily call would entail? And why do you think it’s important? If they just said, I just want project updates, you can say, well, maybe I can send you emails every day telling you how the project is going.

 Avoiding those why questions, but instead saying, help me understand, tell me more? What is the problem you’re trying to solve? If you can ask those questions that may help you first build trust and help you get to the right situation so that they can troubleshoot the issue and be a problem solver with you instead of someone who might be an opponent. 

And after you summarize exactly what this meeting was about, then you can say how would I do once you’ve given the summary? or What did I miss? And she warns against asking the question, Did I get that right? She said that’s just fishing for a compliment and inviting a simple yes or no? Did I get that right? Yes. Or no?  which thing didn’t I get right?. So it doesn’t really give you more information about what’s going on with the other person. Some other questions she suggests that will help you get that person on the side of helping you solve that problems are, what are your concerns? What I believe I heard you say is. “What did I miss?” Those are all things that might help you to get a good response back. But asking questions of other people costs you nothing and can really benefit you.

She gives the example of doctors. Back in the day, doctors would say, this is what you’re going to do. You’re going to stop eating meat. You’re going to eat more vegetables, and you’re going to take these pills.” Then they would order you to do these things. What doctors do now is actually trying to get you to be a problem solver with them. “So what are some high-fat foods you can give up That would greatly help your cholesterol problem? Do you think that you’d be able to actually cut down on the amount of meat that you eat? How much do you think you’d be able to do In that area?” Those are ways that doctors now try to be your partner in solving your health problems instead of telling you what to do.

So some other questions that she gives are trying to narrow things down. She talks next about the “how” questions. “How do we get there?” Once we have some form of agreement, “What do you see as our first step?” “Do you have any ideas of how this will work in the future?” “What are your thoughts on how we can move forward?” She’s having you communicate in a way that opens up the conversation and turns that other person into a problem solver. She says when you’ve done the proper amount of research before a conversation, and you’ve been listening to them and listening to what they’ve been saying, in this conversation, you already have a good idea of what they’re worried about. You know what their needs are and what their goals are. If you’re able to ask those questions and turn that person into a solver with you, you will have a good idea of what you need to ask to get them involved in solving the problem.

If there just doesn’t seem to be any forward progress going in on the conversation, she suggests taking a break until they can actually come back and have a more problem-solving kind of conversation. If you see that the person struggles to answer your question, you may even ask them what makes this question so hard to answer and get out what’s going wrong. It may be that if you’re asking for a raise. You’re already at the cap, and you can’t get a raise. And that person’s just hard-pressed to actually say that’s what’s happening.

She talks about framing your thoughts and framing the situation that’s going on. That’s trying to use your words to paint a picture to show your points. My problem is when I get into these negotiations, I tend to be the person who tries to say everybody’s point of view. It’s really terrible when negotiating. Well, I could see why you can’t give me a raise. I’m really embedded in this other position. And I can see why, as we’re going through some financial difficulties, how you really couldn’t pay me more. I start arguing against the very thing I’m doing. What you’re trying to do is you’re trying to paint an image so that the person you’re talking to and see what you’re suggesting in the best possible way. You’re not trying to argue their case for it. You’re trying to frame this in a way that makes sense and solves your problems and solves their problems. So if you have been listening to this conversation. You understand what’s going on in the company and what are their goals. With that information, you’ll be able to paint a picture that actually solves both sides problems.

She said that you should always focus on what people can gain rather than what they can lose, says that human beings are loss averse. That people want to avoid a loss much more than they want to achieve again. If you focus on the loss, that will reduce the person’s flexibility and willingness to negotiate with you.

And then the last step is you always have to be truthful. And direct framing involves trying to put a portion of the conversation in a positive light. But that doesn’t mean that you’re lying about the situation. You’re not trying to obscure something. You really want to frame it in a good way. It still needs to be honest and sincere.

If you get off course with a conversation, that’s where you can write things down and say, we’re going to put this in the parking lot for now. We’ll talk about this later. Or I see we’re getting away from the main points. Let’s see if we can bring it back and maybe talk about this later. Or even I noticed you got quiet there for a while. Is anything else going on? Or are you just thinking about things? And then you want to bring the conversation back to actually what the topic was at hand.

She suggests having a worksheet where you have a column for you. What is the definition of your problem? What do your needs look like? What feelings and concerns do you have? What’s the first step towards success and where we had a previous success like this? Then you have another column for the person you’re going to be talking to with those same questions again. But there’s a middle column where you start jotting down what you have in common. So as you’re having this conversation. You’ve already filled out your column. You’ve already filled out what you think the other person’s column is. Maybe you’re going to jot some additional notes there. But in the process of your negotiation, where did you find common ground? That’ll allow you when you’re looking at your notes to see if there’s a place where you can now narrow the gap and get to the successful negotiation. Look for areas where your needs and your feelings are common.

And then she said, sometimes when people have negotiations or conversations, that person’s conversation method might change quite a bit. And the person might say you’re talking weird. They may notice you’re doing that, particularly if you’re talking to a friend or a spouse. And you might be able to respond to it and say, “You’re right. I’ve been trying to work on my communication skills. I’m trying to do better by being more clear about what I’m asking for.” And if they understand that you’re not being weird, you’re just trying to do better, that will help the conversation.

Summary

1. Use action verbs and open-ended questions. Also, make sure you use your emotions properly.
2. Use Tell me questions that will help you gain clarification. Ensure you land the Plane and keep silent when silence is needed for the other person to get their ideas formulated.
3. Ask people what they need, make sure that you look at their body language to see if anything changes, and if something is going wrong, bring the conversation back to where it was productive
4. make people, your partners, and turn them into someone who can troubleshoot with you. Use how questions to bring them into the fold.
5. Frame the situation that puts your ideas in the best possible light.
6. Chart the middle. You know what you want, and you have an idea of what they want. Make sure you know where that middle ground is where you will both win,

Challenge

• Find at least 10 situations this next week where you can use that “tell me” question, tell me more. Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me how I can help. Make sure that you give that person the silent time they need to answer the question correctly.

Now, for our fun entertainment advice of the week, this one comes from Rocky IV

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that, and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!”

That is some excellent advice. Rocky is sure a smart guy who knew.