Communication

Summary

1. Try to find ways so that your body matches the things that are coming out of your mouth. Make sure that you gain consistency with a relaxed, calm nature to feel good and so the people around you feel like you’re authentic. Gave that presence with your body so that you can convince the audience you’re genuine, and the biggest audience out there you’re convincing is your own self
   1. Try deep breathing
   1. Use Powerful poses.
   1. Take up a significant amount of space.
   1. Don’t slump in the corner in the room.
   1. Don’t be stuck on your phone.
2. Remind yourself throughout the day to have a good posture to keep your body language open. Give power poses a try. Every once in a while, when you’re in a place by yourself, do a power pose. Be expansive. Stand out there like Wonder Woman, so you feel better about what you’re doing.
3. Don’t doubt yourself; tear yourself apart or make yourself feel anxious by analyzing everything you do, everything you say, and how you said it. Keep positive about the things you’re saying and the things you’re doing. If you find that you’re not saying them in the right way or doing them in the right way, you correct them immediately. This is not an all-or-nothing thing. Just try to keep your presence as much as you can.
4. Remember to listen; hearing other people will help them hear you will make them feel empowered. And in fact shows your power because you’re willing to listen, hear other people and respond to them in a way that makes sense to the conversation you’re having. It is a sign that you are confident when you can listen to other people and respond to them where they’re at. They will feel heard, and they will become a true ally of yours.

Challenge

• Try the power pose. Wait till you’re in a quiet place by yourself before you have a meeting with someone that’s going to stress you out. Try doing some power poses to see if it makes you feel more empowered and capable of having this tough conversation. Then when you’re in the meeting, try maintaining the power pose by taking up more space, having your arms out wider, and generally having more eye contact and more interaction with the person and see how you feel afterward.

Links

https://www.amycuddy.com/

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Wayne Gretzky.

Today we’re going to talk about how to get into the proper framework when you’re going to have a challenging conversation. Previously, we talked about how to have an excellent tough conversation. Now we’re going to say how to get ready for it. What do you need to do ahead of time to ensure your brain is in the proper place to make this conversation properly.

So if you have a challenging situation, the first step is just accepting that this will be tough. It just is. As soon as you start getting comfortable with that, it will help you stop being so defensive and not be so worried about the conversation. Having a conversation that you just know will be tough, and it’s making you stressed out. You feel nervous. You’re upset about those things. Instead of thinking about how this conversation will be wrong, try to re-frame it into “my boss and I are going to come up with alternative solutions.”  “This is going to be great because now is going to give me a clear path to knowing what it is I need to do.”  Reframe the situation so that you can give it a better construction, give it a more positive light, and help you in the future Instead of focusing on that really tough hour or that really tough conversation you’re going to have.

 Then venting, talking to your best friend, or talking to your parents or someone close to you about this conversation and just letting it all flow out of you get it out of your system, all the destructive emotions, all the anger, whatever’s riling you up. Just get it out. Because as soon as you do that, it will leave your system for the most part. It’ll be cathartic. It’ll be less likely to come out when you’re actually having the conversation.

One thing I like to do whenever I’m training customers, or I’m going to have a tough conversation, is I try to remember my first few lines. I will go through and repeat what the first 5-10 minutes of the conversation might sound like. So I have a down in my head. Conversations or training or anything difficult is always tough at the beginning. If you can get at least the first three to five lines memorized in your head about what you’re going to say. Usually, the conversation goes much more smoothly After that point.

Make sure you get a good night’s sleep or take a nap. If this conversation is happening later in the day, you want to be sharp. I know it’s sometimes hard to sleep, especially if you’re going to have a tough conversation, or you’re going to negotiate for a raise, or you’re going to talk to your spouse about something. But try the best you can to get a good night’s sleep.

If this event is going to be first thing in the morning, the next day, try to lay stuff out ahead of time, you’re going to go to work, and you’re going to have this tough conversation, pack your work bag ahead of time, bring some snacks, wear the right clothes, but get everything laid out ahead of time. So that you’re not thinking on this very stressful day, typically, on a very stressful morning, all these little details. It’s gonna be stressful enough.

This one’s important to me, pick the right time of day. If you’re going to have a tough conversation and not a morning person, don’t schedule them for the morning. Make sure that you’re doing this in the time of day, that’s particularly good, not just for you, But for the other person too. You know you want to make sure that this conversation is successful for everyone involved in it. My friend, who’s a morning person, says that she loves to do things very early because she’s not worrying about it all day long. And I absolutely get that. I think that’s an excellent point  Because if you make a stressful conversation, and you do it in the afternoon, sometimes it does cause you to worry. I know personally, I’m not very good in the morning. But you’ll have to figure out what’s suitable for both parties.

 If you’re going to talk to someone, it’s best not just to plop into their office or ambush your husband the second he comes home. So how was your day? Can we talk about something that’s been annoying me lately? You know you do that to people? Because you’re looking for the right time to have a conversation. Why don’t you give that other person the opportunity to find the right time for that conversation? “Hi, honey, I have something that I really need to talk to you about. It’s been pretty stressful for me. I’d love to get it off my chest and see what you think about it. When would be a good time for us to talk about it? This just has to do with how we divide the chores. I don’t want you to worry. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. We just need to talk some things over.” If you want to absolutely destroy me as a human being. Just come up to me and say, “Hi, Jill, I’d like to talk about something stressful. Can we come up with a time at the end of this week to talk about it?” I will think of nothing else until that meeting.

If you are scheduling something with your spouse, with your boss, with your co-worker, whoever it is that you give them a little bit of an idea what this is about. ” something’s just been really bugging me about how we break up the chores in the house. I’m wondering if later this week, we could talk about maybe a different plan in place of how we do that” you know, something so that that person is not freaking out. You don’t want to scare people.

And what happens is, as you start this process of trying to negotiate, just think back to the times when you’ve been successful in your life. You have been successful in your life in dealing with things. Whether it was when you were a kid, with your parents, or with professors in college, you have had successes. You might not be able to think of them off the top of your head, but they’re there. So if you can remember, I’ve done this before, I’m good at this. I can win on these types of things. It’ll help you feel more confident when you go into a negotiation. Or if you ask the question, how have I successfully handled this kind of situation in the past, which might be a tough conversation that you had with someone, whether it was a friend or a co-worker. But again, trying to do that.

And then to pump yourself up, Alexandra Carter says, play some Rocky-style music in your head or out loud, and then imagine what posture you’re in. what location you’re in. make sure you get that joy, that exhilaration so that you feel pumped up and ready to go. Think about if you’re going to get a raise. Imagine that money for the first time coming into your bank account. Or if you’re asking for a promotion, the first time you get to your new office, try to focus on the exhilaration of what it is you’re trying to get. And even if, in the end, the success of your negotiation is quite different than what you actually got, you know, still put excitement into your attitude.

Also, make sure that you eat a good meal that day before your negotiations. You eat a good breakfast. You eat a good lunch, have some snacks. I find that if I’m having a very tough day, my metabolism, which isn’t particularly significant, will suddenly go into overdrive, and I will burn through meals like crazy. And if I start running low on blood sugar, I actually begin to feel jittery, which gives me the impression I’m nervous when I’m just a little bit hungry. Being hungry or having low blood sugar can give you this feeling that you’re scared. So make sure that at least on that day, you eat enough to make sure that you do great in your negotiations, even if it’s a little bit more than what you usually eat.

And make sure that you get a chance to exercise. It’ll help you burn off that excess energy.

Ensure that you spend time maybe the night before or during that day with someone you like or someone you love and have a good laugh.

If you have a mentor, this would be a great time to bring them in and help you work through these negotiations. Sometimes, unfortunately, your boss can be a mentor to you, Making it a little bit difficult. But if you can find a mentor who’s not involved in this particular situation, then bring them in private so that you can talk about that.

One thing I always like is the power pose by Amy Cuddy. And that’s where you’re standing there like a superhero. And I like that. I think it makes me feel good. I love to do it Before I’m giving a speech or before I’m doing training. I don’t know if it’s because it’s a little bit of play-acting or if the power pose works just to make you feel powerful. But it helps me when I’m about to do something tricky.

Make sure that you make the commitment to yourself that you’re actually going to do this thing. I know for me, if I can avoid having any type of tough conversation at work or at home, I will just put it off. So scheduling it, actually getting something on the calendar, particularly with that other person on an invitation, will help you commit to doing it.

And then make sure you schedule something fun afterwards. You’re going to be jittery, you’re going to be nervous, this whole conversation is going to roll around in your head. And so, if you schedule something fun to do afterward, you’ll be able to burn off some of that excess energy and de-stress quite a bit.

Remind yourself that you have survived tough conversations before and that not only that, it made you better. Just remember that if you have this tough conversation, you’re going to be so much better at it in the future. Build those muscles.

Make sure that you play your favorite music or maybe a funny TV show, but something that gets your mind off of it. You can do dance around your house, burn off some of that energy and have some fun. It helps you get into that proper mindset.

Before making this very stressful conversation, I like to walk in nature. If I can get out and just go into a park or sit under a tree, it makes me feel a lot better.

And one thing that I try to tell myself all the time when I’m going to do something, I think is tough. I just tell myself, you know what, in an hour, this will all be over. I know a stressful team Now. by the time you look at your watch, and it says two o’clock, this is done. And that makes me feel better knowing there’s a place in time where this is done, And I don’t have to dwell on this anymore. Just remind yourself, this is actually a very short period of time.

I like to have a slogan when I’m going to either give a speech or do a negotiation or have a tough conversation. That’s something I just repeat in my head. Maybe you call it a mantra, perhaps you call it self-talk, whatever it is, but it’s something like you got this or remembered to smile. Make sure that you speak slowly. Whatever it is that you’re trying to get yourself to do in this particular situation, I just repeated in my head over and over again so that I can get there.

On the days where I’m going to have a tough conversation, whether at home or at work or someplace else, I make sure that I don’t get myself embroiled in any other drama that day. Before the conversation or after, I want to stay focused on the issue at hand during that day. I don’t want to get myself stressed out with other things. Likewise, after the conversation is over, I don’t want to have a tough conversation, And then an hour after that meeting, I have another tough discussion. I want to make sure that this is a day that I’m really just focused on this one issue.

Some ideas that I like to do that I learned from the app Headspace, which gives some advice on helping you to sleep at night when your brain is running away with you. These suggestions also work during the day. So the first suggestion is pushing away bad thoughts. What they do is they call this Noting. And so if you all of a sudden get this thought that pops into your brain, man, you’re just gonna screw this up to date, you have asked for raises before you’ve never gotten them. But what you do is you note that it’s there, and you identify “a thought,” “a fear,” “an emotion.” That way, it kind of pops like a balloon. As soon as you note a thought is floating around in your head, and you just identify it as a thought, it goes away. It’s fascinating. It’s an excellent technique for helping you sleep. But it’s also one from keeping negative thoughts out of your head when you’re trying to get yourself ready for a tough conversation.

https://www.headspace.com/

And then there’s what they call square breathing. This is a relaxation technique they use for someone trying to sleep, but it also works for stress. And so that’s where you breathe in for four seconds, you hold your breath for four seconds, you breathe out for four seconds, and then you live in again. And then you just started again, and you go through this breathing process a couple of times until your stress levels drop again. But if you do it for a couple of minutes, it will help you regulate some of those negative emotions you have.

Happier.com suggests that when you’re having a conversation, particularly with a spouse, or someone in your family or friendships, first of all, they suggest not to say, “Can we talk?” That’s scary. I mentioned that before, think about how you’re going to start the conversation. Make sure that you stay on topic. Don’t try to manipulate the other person by saying, “Oh, can we go to a restaurant and have a good meal?” and then pounce on them at the restaurant. And they say you don’t immediately jump into the conversation when you’re doing this. If you set aside a certain time, like, let’s go to lunch tomorrow, let’s talk about this, mainly when it’s a personal relationship, You need to warm up the situation. How’s your day been so far? Oh, wow, this spaghetti looks fantastic.

https://www.happier.com/blog/5-tips-for-surviving-a-really-bad-day/

And the best advice they said is to know when to get help.

Also, be curious. You always want to take these types of situations and make them into curious experiments. Try to find out what’s going on with that other person. If you notice that your spouse has just been cranky every day after work, and you just can’t get a word in edgeways because they’re just blowing off steam. And it’s just been hard to deal with find out what exactly is going on. It may be that they don’t like what they do anymore. Or when they blow off steam, it helps them to forget the day, whatever it is. but make sure that you look for those curious questions so that you learn more

Summary

1. Make sure you get a good night’s sleep, a good meal before your tough conversation, and that you pack all the essential things that you’re going to need that day so that you don’t have to worry about anything else But having a great conversation,
2. Make sure you cheer yourself up by playing your favorite music, by playing the rocky theme. Whatever it is, that will get you excited to have this tough conversation. Make sure you burn off your energy. Dance around the room. Get some exercise or go for a walk outside. It’s essential to go in there with the proper mental framework.
3. Identify harsh thoughts. Ensure that if your thinking goes astray, and you start having very negative thoughts that use the Noting system to push them away. Also, use breathing techniques to help you relax to be in the right frame of mind.
4. Make sure that you don’t jump on the other person for the conversation. You warm them up. You talk about the fact that we’re going to have a tough conversation. But whatever you do, don’t just bring them out to dinner and then jump into the conversation without warning.
5. Pick a good location. Pick the proper time of the day. Give yourself a mental phrase to repeat in your head. That is the most important thing that you need to remember in the course of this meeting. Be strong. Talk slowly.
6. No one to get help, Whether that’s a mentor, a friend, someone to vent to, or professional counseling.

Challenge

Try to pick a day that is just going to be stressful for you. In general, you don’t even have to have a tough conversation. It’s just something that’s maybe not your favorite day. Try some of these packing techniques, playing happy music, going for a walk in the woods, or noting your negative thoughts. See if those are the kinds of things that will help clear your mind so that you’re in the right frame of mind to have your stressful day, your challenging day, or maybe just any day. But you want to start learning before you have these tough conversations. What really helps you to calm down, have a good outlook, and have the right energy.

Here’s our fun entertainment advice for the week. This one comes from Roadhouse.

“All you have to do is follow three simple rules. One, never underestimate your opponent. Expect the unexpected. Two, take it outside. Never start anything inside the bar unless it’s absolutely necessary. And three, be nice.”

Well, that’s a pretty good bit of advice. Make sure that you never fight in the bar.

“We make our world significant by the courage of our questions and by the depth of our answers.” – Carl Sagan.

Today we’re going to talk about the book, Ask for More by Alexandra Carter. But this time, we’re going to talk about the questions she says you should ask during negotiations. First of all, she says, don’t ask questions that start with a non-action verb like “be” or “do”. “Is it going to rain tomorrow?” “Did my presentation work well with the audience?” All of those are closed questions. They don’t really lead to anything. It’s a little bit of how we talked about, trying to spur on conversations and feedback with other people on episode 26. So if you say something like, “Do you like vegetarian food?” The person will say, ‘Yes,’ maybe it’ll say, “I eat it all the time.’ Maybe there’s one more sentence there. We’re trying to get a good conversation going with people or trying to strike up questions that bring us more information. This is different from the podcast episode that we did that talked about having interesting conversations. These are fact-finding conversations. We don’t want to start with “is” and “be” and “do”. We want to start asking open questions.

Book

Then she talks about Fishing with a Net using the power of open questions. She said to make sure that you’re asking action questions. You’re not asking these closed-ended questions. She says, don’t use “why” questions. “Why” implies blame. “What” questions indicate what can I do to get this promotion? Instead of “Why don’t I ever get promoted? Terrible, right? The “what” question really starts the direction of a conversation into how can I get there?

She said that she thinks of this human emotion and that gut instinct as a volcano. Volcanoes can produce new life, new land. It is a growth process. But it can also destroy property and destroy life itself. It’s the same thing with emotions. It just depends on how the emotion is coming out of the volcano, whether beneficial or damaging.

We’re going to talk about some questions that Alexander Carter says are good questions to ask in a negotiation and I would say even a tough conversation. The first question she mentions is using the phrase “tell me”. She says that is the “wellspring of innovation” because it gives you the ability to learn what the other person is thinking. “Tell me what your view is?” “Tell me what you see my role in this company is in five years?” “Tell me what you think about what I just told you?” Or the ultimate “tell me”, “Tell me more.” Sometimes when you leave it open-ended like that, you’ll get better details about what you’re looking for. So let’s say you’re going in for a negotiation with your boss on a promotion. She says, “I really see you being in charge of this team someday,” and you say, “Tell me more.” That will give her some ability to flesh out some of the details she thinks will happen in this promotion and how you’re going to get there. The “tell me” the question is so important.

Sometimes if you’re confused about exactly why you’re having a meeting or maybe you didn’t instigate the discussion that you’re having you can even say, “Tell me your hopes for this meeting.” “Tell me what you’re looking for.” “Tell me what’s on your mind.” Again, these types of questions will help you. Alexandra talks about looking for a new job. “Tell me your thoughts about this role.” These are great ways to talk about a new job that you’re pursuing. She gives the example of someone who started with a company, and they have a compensation package change after the first two years of employment. She’s just going into the meeting and saying, “I’d love if you could tell me from your perspective how things have gone this past year.” It’s a great question that will give insight into what your boss’s thinking.

She says to Land the Plane. Landing the Plane means that you ask the key “tell me” questions. It is critically important to do this step. Once you’ve asked that key “tell me” question that will finish the negotiation, don’t ask something else after you’ve made your successful negotiations.

She says it’s essential that we enjoy the silence. I don’t know about you, but I hate silence. It makes me squirm inside. If I ask a really tough question. “Tell me what you think about our relationship. Is it going okay?” And then there’s silence there. My mind is going wild, trying to invent all the answers that the other person is making up. It is essential to give that person the time to answer the question honestly and from the heart. And she says, if you’re nervous about the silence, look them in the eye and a friendly expression. Start counting in your head. I think for me that counting in my head would probably make me more nervous. So maybe you just want to label things with letters or something that’s not a number. I’m really good with numbers. And so numbers would make me do the math on how long it’s been since I’ve heard something. But she says, challenges yourself to see how high you can go before that silence is broken. And if you’re on the phone, and this is a tough phone call, make sure that you’re walking around, you’re getting a stretch, look out the window, staring at something pleasant.

And then asking the question, “What do you need? It’s the one thing that gets to the key issue that’s going there. For example, if you’re in negotiation over a house you’re trying to buy, and you’re trying to get the person selling the house to do something, and you say, Tell me what you need to get this done. We put the house on the market, and you suggested that you want to move in immediately. If you can actually give us a couple of months to get these repairs done, that will help us actually do what you’re asking us to do. If that’s reasonable. There you go. So by asking the question, “Tell me what you need,” you might know precisely what it is that’s causing them to pause and giving you a positive answer. And then make sure that you listen to them, you follow up with good follow-up questions. Whenever you follow up with questions, it makes them realize you’ve listened to them, you’ve heard what they said. So if you came back and said, you just need an extra couple of months to get this done. What about giving you three months to get this done, and now they know you heard them and that you’re responding to what they asked for.

Then she says to listen to what wasn’t said. She warns that body language can be complex. Sometimes, you see these books that say that crossed arms are people who are close to ideas. They may not be closed to you. It might have had something to do with the last meeting they were in, maybe their back’s killing them that day, and they just had their arms crossed because their shoulders hurt. You don’t even know what the answer is. She said that instead of looking at body language, look for changes in the body language. For example, the person had their arms all crossed up when you walked into the room. And then suddenly, they started opening up more without their arms being crossed. That’s a positive sign. If the person was initially paying attention to you and now suddenly is looking at their email or staring at the wall and not paying attention, maybe this meeting has gone on too long.

And if the negotiations aren’t going well, then what you can do is sometimes put the ball back in their court. Which would be “What would a workable solution look like to you?” That forces them to be part of the solution. If your boss asked to have a daily call with you, it has got to take a lot of time away from your project. Can you help me understand exactly what this daily call would entail? And why do you think it’s important? If they just said, I just want project updates, you can say, well, maybe I can send you emails every day telling you how the project is going.

 Avoiding those why questions, but instead saying, help me understand, tell me more? What is the problem you’re trying to solve? If you can ask those questions that may help you first build trust and help you get to the right situation so that they can troubleshoot the issue and be a problem solver with you instead of someone who might be an opponent. 

And after you summarize exactly what this meeting was about, then you can say how would I do once you’ve given the summary? or What did I miss? And she warns against asking the question, Did I get that right? She said that’s just fishing for a compliment and inviting a simple yes or no? Did I get that right? Yes. Or no?  which thing didn’t I get right?. So it doesn’t really give you more information about what’s going on with the other person. Some other questions she suggests that will help you get that person on the side of helping you solve that problems are, what are your concerns? What I believe I heard you say is. “What did I miss?” Those are all things that might help you to get a good response back. But asking questions of other people costs you nothing and can really benefit you.

She gives the example of doctors. Back in the day, doctors would say, this is what you’re going to do. You’re going to stop eating meat. You’re going to eat more vegetables, and you’re going to take these pills.” Then they would order you to do these things. What doctors do now is actually trying to get you to be a problem solver with them. “So what are some high-fat foods you can give up That would greatly help your cholesterol problem? Do you think that you’d be able to actually cut down on the amount of meat that you eat? How much do you think you’d be able to do In that area?” Those are ways that doctors now try to be your partner in solving your health problems instead of telling you what to do.

So some other questions that she gives are trying to narrow things down. She talks next about the “how” questions. “How do we get there?” Once we have some form of agreement, “What do you see as our first step?” “Do you have any ideas of how this will work in the future?” “What are your thoughts on how we can move forward?” She’s having you communicate in a way that opens up the conversation and turns that other person into a problem solver. She says when you’ve done the proper amount of research before a conversation, and you’ve been listening to them and listening to what they’ve been saying, in this conversation, you already have a good idea of what they’re worried about. You know what their needs are and what their goals are. If you’re able to ask those questions and turn that person into a solver with you, you will have a good idea of what you need to ask to get them involved in solving the problem.

If there just doesn’t seem to be any forward progress going in on the conversation, she suggests taking a break until they can actually come back and have a more problem-solving kind of conversation. If you see that the person struggles to answer your question, you may even ask them what makes this question so hard to answer and get out what’s going wrong. It may be that if you’re asking for a raise. You’re already at the cap, and you can’t get a raise. And that person’s just hard-pressed to actually say that’s what’s happening.

She talks about framing your thoughts and framing the situation that’s going on. That’s trying to use your words to paint a picture to show your points. My problem is when I get into these negotiations, I tend to be the person who tries to say everybody’s point of view. It’s really terrible when negotiating. Well, I could see why you can’t give me a raise. I’m really embedded in this other position. And I can see why, as we’re going through some financial difficulties, how you really couldn’t pay me more. I start arguing against the very thing I’m doing. What you’re trying to do is you’re trying to paint an image so that the person you’re talking to and see what you’re suggesting in the best possible way. You’re not trying to argue their case for it. You’re trying to frame this in a way that makes sense and solves your problems and solves their problems. So if you have been listening to this conversation. You understand what’s going on in the company and what are their goals. With that information, you’ll be able to paint a picture that actually solves both sides problems.

She said that you should always focus on what people can gain rather than what they can lose, says that human beings are loss averse. That people want to avoid a loss much more than they want to achieve again. If you focus on the loss, that will reduce the person’s flexibility and willingness to negotiate with you.

And then the last step is you always have to be truthful. And direct framing involves trying to put a portion of the conversation in a positive light. But that doesn’t mean that you’re lying about the situation. You’re not trying to obscure something. You really want to frame it in a good way. It still needs to be honest and sincere.

If you get off course with a conversation, that’s where you can write things down and say, we’re going to put this in the parking lot for now. We’ll talk about this later. Or I see we’re getting away from the main points. Let’s see if we can bring it back and maybe talk about this later. Or even I noticed you got quiet there for a while. Is anything else going on? Or are you just thinking about things? And then you want to bring the conversation back to actually what the topic was at hand.

She suggests having a worksheet where you have a column for you. What is the definition of your problem? What do your needs look like? What feelings and concerns do you have? What’s the first step towards success and where we had a previous success like this? Then you have another column for the person you’re going to be talking to with those same questions again. But there’s a middle column where you start jotting down what you have in common. So as you’re having this conversation. You’ve already filled out your column. You’ve already filled out what you think the other person’s column is. Maybe you’re going to jot some additional notes there. But in the process of your negotiation, where did you find common ground? That’ll allow you when you’re looking at your notes to see if there’s a place where you can now narrow the gap and get to the successful negotiation. Look for areas where your needs and your feelings are common.

And then she said, sometimes when people have negotiations or conversations, that person’s conversation method might change quite a bit. And the person might say you’re talking weird. They may notice you’re doing that, particularly if you’re talking to a friend or a spouse. And you might be able to respond to it and say, “You’re right. I’ve been trying to work on my communication skills. I’m trying to do better by being more clear about what I’m asking for.” And if they understand that you’re not being weird, you’re just trying to do better, that will help the conversation.

Summary

1. Use action verbs and open-ended questions. Also, make sure you use your emotions properly.
2. Use Tell me questions that will help you gain clarification. Ensure you land the Plane and keep silent when silence is needed for the other person to get their ideas formulated.
3. Ask people what they need, make sure that you look at their body language to see if anything changes, and if something is going wrong, bring the conversation back to where it was productive
4. make people, your partners, and turn them into someone who can troubleshoot with you. Use how questions to bring them into the fold.
5. Frame the situation that puts your ideas in the best possible light.
6. Chart the middle. You know what you want, and you have an idea of what they want. Make sure you know where that middle ground is where you will both win,

Challenge

• Find at least 10 situations this next week where you can use that “tell me” question, tell me more. Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me how I can help. Make sure that you give that person the silent time they need to answer the question correctly.

Now, for our fun entertainment advice of the week, this one comes from Rocky IV

“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that, and that ain’t you. You’re better than that!”

That is some excellent advice. Rocky is sure a smart guy who knew.

“In business as in life, you don’t get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate.” – Chester Karress

I’ve been a bad negotiator my whole life, primarily because I’m terrible about thinking about what I need. In the last podcast, we talked about self-awareness, and that’s what we need to have to negotiate. We’re going to start a small series where we talk about tough conversations. To give you an example, on a previous job, I went into my boss’s office, and he was relatively new. And I said, why aren’t I getting promoted? What’s really stopping me from moving forward in this company? The conversation didn’t go very well. And at the end, he said, what is it that you’re actually looking for? Are you looking for a raise? Are you looking for additional responsibilities? Or are you just looking for recognition? To which I replied, “uhhhhhhh” Not a great way to start any kind of negotiation at all. And negotiations, while it sounds like a tricky thing or things that are only used at a particular time. Negotiations happen, actually, all the time, we’re trying to convince our customers to use our software. We’re trying to convince a spouse to go out for dinner tonight. I mean, there are all sorts of things that involve negotiations. We want to make sure that we put things in this proper framework, and not even so much that we win every time, but so that we present the suitable options to the right people, so the right decision can get made. That’s what’s important.

Today, we’re going to talk about a book that Asked For More: 10 Questions to Negotiate Anything by Alexandra Carter. And this book I found fascinating because it was a lot of questions, just as the title indicates, on how to get better negotiation done. So the first thing that she talks about when trying to figure out what it is that you exactly want is self-insight. Just like we talked about in the last podcast. What is it you really want? You know, if you sit there, and you immediately go into negotiations with someone, either at a customer meeting or at a car shop, you’re doing it all wrong. she says that you’re missing what works, just like when I walked into my boss’s office. That didn’t do any fact-finding that didn’t get the conversation beginning that was just jumping into the end process. And it didn’t really begin with, first of all, me discovering what it is I wanted. So then when I was asked, What do you want? I hadn’t the foggiest idea.

Book

She says you need to mirror, and I think that means looking in the mirror, right? You want to get a fundamental aspect of what it is you’re trying to gain. So she said that the first step when you’re looking at any negotiation at all is, what problem do I want to solve? That’s where I screwed up my negotiation. Did I want to raise? Did I just want more money? No idea. So then she talks about trying to clearly define your problems. The first step you want to take is to take just a few minutes and write down the problem you’re trying to solve. Whatever it is that you’re trying to get out of this negotiation. Are you trying to buy a house? Are you trying to get the previous owners to fix something expensive? If you’re trying to buy a car? Are you trying to get a good deal on that car? Or if you’re trying to get a raise? What is it you’re looking for in that raise?

Then she says to take anything negative like I don’t get any recognition at work into something positive. I would love to get more recognition at work. I would love leadership to know I’m making a positive impact on this company. So if you turn that around, that’ll make it easier for you to negotiate because it’s not harmful. And she said the challenge is sometimes complex. We’re so focused on what it is we’re looking for tangible things, usually. You know, if it’s a promotion or raises its money, I want to see a different number. But when they’re intangible things, it’s tough to figure out what we’re looking for and why we need these items met? If you can look at those things for yourself, you’ll have more successful negotiations because you’ll have more details about what needs to change. She says some examples of what needs to change often in her experience with negotiations. Sometimes it’s just acceptance and needs to feel like you belong—social support, affection when it comes to relationships, feeling part of a group. Sometimes you have esteem needs, or you just want to have a sense of achievement. Sometimes people want to have more autonomy. They like to be able to decide what their days look like. They want to be able to determine what their trips look like. Sometimes people want to feel more secure. They want to know they’re liked in the company. That they’re going to be able to keep their job for a long time.

And so she said that if you’re struggling to figure out what you want or what problem you’re trying to solve. Think about something that you’re currently finding intolerable, and then just turn it around. So if you say, I’m simply ignored at work all the time, instead, again, that negative statement, you’re flipping it around and saying, I want to be recognized by leadership in the company that I’m making an impact. It’s the opposite of what your intolerable negative thought is. Then, she says that you should ask the worst, most unflattering thing I need in the situation? Because it fights fear, self-censorship, and guilt. Those are the things that really hold us back. If we think we’re not worthy, if we’re afraid, we’re going to lose our job. If we’re so scared we’re going to hear something horrible, it’s hard for us to fight it. Getting over asking that worst-case question can break us of that. So in the case, when I was asking my boss about a promotion, the problem was, was it money I wanted? Sure, money is always nice. Is it recognition? That’s always nice, too. But you know, what was really there, it was my fear that the company didn’t like me that no one in the company cared that I work there or not. And so maybe, if no one cared that I worked there, perhaps I’m going to just be let go at some point because they just don’t even watch that I’m there. That’s a severe core issue. By asking the most minor flattering thing about this situation, you can get down to the really horrible thing. If we can do those types of things. That’ll contact us to the core of what’s really going wrong and what it is we’re trying to negotiate for.

And then, once you’re done with yourself, you’re trying to look out the window, which means you’re trying to get a clear view of what the other person wants. Is your boss sitting around thinking, boy, I’d love to give Jill a raise. I think I’d love to give Jill a promotion. I wonder how I can make that happen. Chances are, they’re swamped. They’re thinking about their own work and their own situation, And they’re not sitting there thinking about you. When you get a clear view of that other person. That’s where it helps you to actually win your negotiations. Because if you don’t have insight into what they want and what they’re trying to get, it will make it hard for you. What is your boss want? They want a successful team. They want employees who are committed to doing the best job they can for the company. They want to bring out people who have exceptional talent and get them to their full potential. There are all sorts of things that bosses want. But if you don’t know what that is, you’re going to struggle with your own negotiations.

Some people feel really paranoid about this, you know, in the sense of they’re trying to figure out what their boss might want. Eventually, we’ll try to frame those things in how the boss wants to see them. Sometimes people think that sounds really cheesy. But knowledge is not cheesy. Meeting other people’s needs is not cheesy at all. It’s actually killing two birds with one stone. You get what you want, and they get what they want. That’s how this works.

She said that the definition of negotiation is to successfully travel along or over. And she loves this because when she thinks about negotiations, she thinks about it as sitting in a kayak and navigating a river. It’s constantly trying to achieve movement while avoiding obstacles. And what she says is that when you’re steering the kayak, you can’t close your eyes or not listen to what’s going on around you and expect to arrive at your destination. You need to watch the waves. Need to feel the wind. Everything that you see, or your sense will help you succeed in navigating the kayak. And the other part that she said about it is that when you’re seeing something ahead of you, that’s a crisis you plan in advance to avoid whatever it is. If there’s a steep drop off in the river ahead of you, you plan ahead to get to the other side of the river where the water going down is gentler—the same thing in negotiations. You don’t wait until there’s a crisis to start having negotiations or tough conversations with people. You start them early to start steering it in the right direction. She says it’s even better yet if you can be like Steve Jobs, who always could see problems before anyone else knew there was a problem.

So she suggests whenever she’s having a negotiation, she likes to make it a comfortable location. If she can do so. She brings drinks. She carries snacks, she also makes the commitment of time as firm as a doctor’s appointment. You don’t want to make this a terrible slog for anybody. You want to make this as positive as possible if you have the chance.

The next tip she gives is that we have to be able to write down the essential things. Make sure you take notes. She says taking notes is not just a sign of respect, but it helps us remember the key points that happened during this meeting, that if you don’t take notes, people assume You’re not listening. She suggests writing down your feelings writing down what you were thinking at the time. Note any of the main takeaways that were in the meeting. This will help you see what actually happened. Because what happens after you get over a stressful event is you start reflecting on it, and you start going back over it. And sometimes, what was actually said is not what your head is even bringing forward. Sometimes the meetings are very positive. Sometimes you just look at it as negative because you didn’t exactly get what you wanted. Notetaking will help you with that.

And then, the last tip she gives is to follow up. Writing a thank, you note. Sending them an email and asking them, is there anything else that you would like to know? Is there anything I can do to help? And give them permission to say something that maybe they didn’t previously feel comfortable saying. Write down a summary of the entire meeting, almost like you were telling it to your best friend. That way, you have a short summary of what happened.

And if you’re having a conversation, maybe the next step is coming up with a development plan when it comes to negotiations. If you have a landlord, and they’re not keeping up with the repairs on your apartment, and you’re trying to negotiate for things to get better. Obviously, the landlord cannot fix everything tomorrow, or your boss may not be able to fix everything tomorrow. So what you’re looking for is an action plan. Well, can we commit to improving one thing in this apartment every month? that may help you. Or if your boss says, look, to be quite honest, you’re not ready for that promotion yet. Okay, can we develop an action plan of things that I either need to learn how to do or that I need to actually accomplish Before I am ready for those kinds of things? Can we develop an action plan?

 So there’s a fellow named Ed Brodow and, he’s a negotiation expert. And on his website, he had some pieces of advice for negotiating. And first of all, he says, Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. It’s really going to be a challenge to get anything that you want if you don’t ask for it. And he says, make sure that you put it in a non-threatening way.   “you shouldn’t do that. Instead, try substituting with your feelings. I don’t feel comfortable when you do that.

https://www.brodow.com/Ten-Tips-For-Negotiating

He says, always be willing to walk away. Some negotiations, that’s really easy. You’re buying a new car. Walk away. I had a situation where I was negotiating for a car. The car had been sitting on the lot for two years. But it was a model that was no longer in production. And I really liked that car. So I wanted to go in and get the car. But they were trying to sell it to me as if it were the price of a brand-new car hot off the factory line. And so when I brought to him what the cost was and how much it lost in value by sitting on the lot for two years, I was looking for $2000 to $3,000 off the price of the car, said Well, let me go talk to my boss, his boss sat in that room. And I can tell by the way they were laughing. They weren’t talking about this comes back out. And he says, Okay, my boss thinks I can take $25 off the car’s price. I walked out, sometimes you can actually get what you’re looking for after you’ve walked away. So that’s it’s a successful way of negotiating. It shows that you’re not desperate, you have other options. Or you’re just going to go to those other options and forget this, that other negotiator will sense your inner strength when you walk out of a negotiation like that.

He says not to be in a hurry. We’re always trying to get something over with. by being patient in negotiation. If they’re in a hurry, but you’re calm and ready to spend the time it takes to do this, it will help you get to what you’re looking for. He also suggests aiming high expect the best possible outcome. He says successful negotiators are optimists. If you expect to get more, you will get more. I find this particularly hard. I always think that I should ask for what I’m actually trying to get. So if I was looking for a $10,000 raise, I walked in there and said, Well, I want a $20,000 raise. I’m afraid that that huge number will just scare off the other person to where they just say no.. He says that’s not true. People who aim higher do better. I hope he’s right on that. But that scares me quite a bit.

He says to focus on the other side’s pressure. If it’s your boss, they’re looking for a great employee who can do the things that need to get done in that company. If it’s that car person, they’re looking to make a sale because it’s three days from the end of the month, and they’re looking to meet their numbers. And so you’re always trying to focus on the pressures of the other side. And if you show them how their pressures will be relieved by this negotiation, either your boss getting precisely what they were looking for or those car salesmen Getting that sale, that will help you get to yes.

He says never to give away anything unless you’re getting something in return. So if you have a boss and you’re negotiating a promotion, and they say, Well, I tell you what, let’s just have you do those more demanding tasks, those long hours, and then we’ll see how you do. And if you do a great job, we’ll give you a promotion. Now you’re giving away something without getting anything. You may say something to the extent of, well, what if you gave me the promotion. If we decide this wasn’t successful at the end of a year, we’ll look at a different position within this company. That’s something else. He says not to take these issues or the other person’s behaviors. He has a book called The Negotiation Bootcamp and. His website will be in my show notes.

I would say watch out for things that can’t be undone. I’m entirely risk-averse. I never had these conversations because I’m worried about losing a friend. I’m concerned about losing a job. And so I never do it. I never had those conversations. But I don’t think it has to go that far. You just have to be careful about things that can’t be undone. And that might be saying something that does lose that other person or gets you fired, or loses you respect at your office. Whatever it is, you stormed out of there and said I quit. And then an hour later, you think, maybe I shouldn’t have done that.

There’s this concept of BATNA. And it stands as the best alternative to a negotiated agreement. You should always know your options and which ones will serve you best, even if you can’t get what you’re looking for. So one great advantage of that will give you confidence because you will know what you can fall back on If whatever it is you’re asking for is not possible. I have an article linked in the show notes from LinkedIn. And they say that BATNA usually includes things like finding another place to do business. Changing your requirements. Pausing what it is that you were planning on doing. Trying to create some other asset within your company that will get you what you’re looking for. You want to make sure that you have some backups in your mind that if you don’t get what you’re looking for, you get something that you still will meet your needs, fix the problem that you’re trying to solve, but maybe not in the way that you thought about it.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140706235222-29831932-5-steps-to-create-a-strong-batna-for-negotiation-success/

There are some tactics that negotiators like to use against people who are trying to negotiate something for themselves. And these tend to be associated with more shady negotiators. A good negotiator is looking at good faith for their organization, for their company, even in car sales, is not looking to undermine you. They’re looking to find a path forward. These include

• Bait and switch
• Patronizing the person
• Making a personal attack,
• Time pressure “Let’s just decide this now.”
• Bogus demands,
• Good cop, bad cop.

And how you fight against these techniques is, first of all, see it. And if you can see it, then it’s good to identify it. I know you’re trying to put time pressure on this because you’re trying to force me into a decision I have a month before I actually have to decide. I’m not making it today. or try to turn the tables on them. And that means taking their tactic, reversing it so that it’s on them.

So some other things to consider as you’re closing up your thoughts on negotiation. Remember that there probably be tactics used against you, not cruelly, not in a slimy way. But everybody has things that they do when they’re up in a negotiation. That might be tough questions. that might be standing firm. Sometimes people are just competitive. And as soon as they have a situation where they’re challenged, it causes them to go into chase mode, where they’re really trying to win as compared to maybe listening to what you’re doing. Your careful thoughts will help break those tactics down.

And then take the worst fears off the table. If that person is sitting over there thinking you will quit, maybe take that off the table. Or if you’re negotiating with your landlord, they’re thinking you’re going to leave. It’s a tactic to use that worst thing to force that other person into doing what you’re doing. But often, there’s a place for taking that off the table. If that’s not the ultimate result of this negotiation, it’s probably good to end that thought because it can be poison in the entire negotiation.

And then think about cooperation versus competition. Competition can be damaging when it comes to a negotiation, but cooperation makes it look like we’re working together to develop a solution. And remember that people aren’t thinking about you. But instead, they’re thinking about the issue. They’re thinking about how many positions they have. They think about who will take over this new team and do a great job with it. Because I don’t have time to deal with it. That’s not necessarily your thing. It’s an issue problem.

And an important thing is to make sure that you’re not up to talking during your questioning. Many people like to use that as a tactic because it sounds a bit like asking you a question? Or are you saying a statement, and when they don’t feel confident about saying a statement, mainly if it’s strong, they’ll up talk it. So there’s a new position in the company? And I might be good for it? That’s not a statement. And that’s not going to earn you respect. You’re not owning the idea. They’re not sure if you’re asking or you’re telling. It would be much better to be direct. I hear there’s a new position in the company, I would like to be that person. Here’s why.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140318020938-1468172-top-10-tips-when-negotiating/

Summary

1. Look in the mirror and figure out what it is you want. What problems are you trying to solve? And if you can’t find the problem you’re trying to solve, try to find the worst-case scenario about why you’re asking for what you’re asking. Is there a deep, dark fear? Are you embarrassed because of a specific situation? Figure out what that serious problem is. As soon as you’ve identified issues, turn them around and make them positive.
2. Look out the window and figure out what that other person needs. Find out what problems they’re trying to solve and see if there’s a middle ground where you can solve both issues simultaneously.
3. Steer the kayak, make. Sure that you’re looking for hazards. You’re keeping your eyes open. You’re keeping your ears open. And you’re taking in all the information given to you during this meeting, whether it’s verbal or nonverbal cues. And then take notes and write a summary.
4. Follow up. Make sure that whatever action items you walked away with, you will accomplish them perfectly.
5. Consider a development action plan In case you don’t exactly get what you want.
6. Make sure you have a BATNA, which is the best alternative to a negotiated agreement. What is it you’re willing to live with? Is there something else that will get you what you want for the most part?

Challenge

• Try something small. Pick one tiny thing that you’ve been trying to negotiate with another person, maybe on a personal level, where there’s no real danger of losing something big, and try to negotiate it. Try to use these negotiation skills to come up with a small negotiation. The more you negotiate and start seeing successes, the more you’ll be ready for those big-ticket items like your customers, work, or life. 

And now, our fun advice from entertainment comes from the movie, The Fifth Element, where we learn how Bruce Willis likes to negotiate.

“Korben Dallas: We need to find the leader. Mangalores don’t fight without their leaders.

Aknot: One more shot, and we start killing hostages!

Korben Dallas: That would be the leader.

Aknot: Send someone in to negotiate!

Ship’s officer: I never negotiated before.

Korben Dallas: You mind if I?

Ship’s officer: Uh yeah, sure.

Ship’s officer: We’re sending someone in to negotiate!

Korben Dallas: Anyone else want to negotiate?

Ship’s officer: Where did he learn to negotiate like that?”

Wow, that’s some negotiation skills he has there and we need to find ways of negotiating that are less direct.

The success part of life looks good to others. The best parts are actually the simple daily experiences. This is true whether you’re an actor, a teacher, or a waitress. I know because I’ve been all three. – Lauren Graham.

Today we’re going to talk about another communication tool. Storytelling is one of those crucial things that goes back to the beginnings of civilization. At early on, you had people like Homer, who could take these stories and go town to town and tell the stories of other places and other times in history. A lot of times, they also had a moral value to them. That ability to tell a story captures our minds. It helps us connect with people in such a great way.

We’ll be talking about a book by Vanessa van Edwards called Captivate. The Science of Succeeding with People. She says that stories bring us together. They sync our brains. And you can tell that when it comes to television, or even dramatic podcast, or anything, even this podcast can help everyone understand if you can tell a story. Even kids at a very young age understand the power of stories. It’s also easy to swap and share stories because they’re so universal to the human experience.

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/captivate/

She talks about having Trigger Topics. You want to bring those things together, which will be a common theme that people recognize. They want to be able to see pieces in that story that relates to their own lives. Then she talks about having Sparkling Stories. These are stories that have laughs and aha! Maybe a few groans. Then to have a Boomerang, which brings the conversation back to the person or people you’re talking to. So let’s say that you’re giving this incredible story, you’re talking about this problem. You’re sharing this whole thing. If you cannot bring it back to your audience, whether it’s one person or 9000 people, they will wonder why are you even telling me this? Why did you just go through this big long thing, and it has nothing to do with me? That’s where you have to bring it back. So she suggests starting with the Hook. Get people curious and excited to hear what you’re going to say next. And so you want to make sure that you use provocative, descriptive words that bring in the senses. That makes people interested in what you’re saying.

Try to build this intrigue into the story itself. So people are thinking, “Oh, my gosh, what’s happening next?!” It brings people in and makes them excited to hear what you have. Using those provocative words, those descriptive words will help you make that enjoyable.

There’s another podcast out there called the Art of Charm, and they had an article about how to tell a great story. They caution people not to worry if you think you don’t have any stories to tell. Everybody has stories to tell. We have all these experiences that we live through, that we laugh through. Everybody has a story to tell.

https://theartofcharm.com/art-of-personal-development/how-to-tell-a-great-story/

They discuss something called the Crash Opening. You’ve all seen it in television shows, or movies, where you don’t start out saying here are all the people. Here’s what they do. Here are their names. Here’s their backstory. At the beginning of the show, or the beginning of the movie, you immediately see a giant crash. And now you’re thinking, “Oh my gosh, what’s happening?” It’s a fascinating way to start a story. So challenge yourself to find a way of telling a story that immediately creates this crash or this gigantic splash that gets people started.

Do you have to analyze what kind of crucial information the audience needs to know to understand the rest of the story? That’s really where you start writing down your story. And when does it start to get interesting? Back it up a little bit, and that’s when you know, that’s when your story should begin. When you tell a story, you don’t want to be telling the story of your life. This isn’t an autobiography, particularly if you’re trying to convince people or trying to help someone in a certain way by giving them an example of something. So keep the story very short, and explain how the part of your personal story is helping to describe what you’re about to discuss.

Once you figured out where you’re going to start in your story and the main points you need to share, you have to think up a logical order for your story. Stories are impactful because they’re not just a set of data facts. They have a beginning, a middle, and an end. And so, putting those things in the right order and making it have a proper sense of balance within the story will help you to really grab people. You’ve heard people tell a story. They’ll say, “Well, the other day I was in the store… Wait a minute, wait a minute, let me back this up. First of all, I got into my car, and I realized that I forgot my. Well, let me back that up, hold on one moment. My dog was barking. And so at the same time, I was trying to grab my wallet, my dog started barking and I got confused, and I forgot my wallet.” Maybe it’s an intriguing story. But that just got super confusing because you backed up the story twice and didn’t tell it in the proper order. So making sure that it has that will make the story impactful. And if you do have to back up the story, then make sure it’s intentional.

And make sure that you remove some small details that aren’t relevant to the story because the whole reason that you’re telling a story is to give a message. And you want to make sure that message is highlighted as the main point and that the story around it connects it to the listener. And they said that is the magic of great storytelling. And what the people at Art of Charm talk about is that telling a story makes it or breaks it when it comes to other people. But you have to realize that what’s powerful about the story is the information it sends and how it connects to the listener. That’s what’s important. And when thinking about it, think about the stories that captivate you. So they recommend finding the emotional core of any story. That’s really how the storyteller feels about the events they’re describing. But it’s also what you want the listener to feel inside when they hear it. So what made the story happen? How did it motivate you? How did it trouble you? How did you feel in the surroundings? And how do you think now that it’s over with? If you can express those feelings inside your story, it will help connect you to people on an emotional level. And not just on an intellectual level. It says structurally. You want to find opportunities to weave feelings and motivations into its events. And it doesn’t have to be as complex as it sounds. They said you could either say “I couldn’t believe it,” or, “But at that point, I was terrified”. And you can see that that emotional change inside the story can make the story work for you. And so good storytellers know how to make that story compelling, how to weave in those emotions, and cut down the extra information that bogs the story down, or make people sit there wondering, “Why am I even here? What’s the point of the story? Wonder what I’m going to do after lunch today?”

Another thing they say is that a good storyteller builds a rapport with the audience themselves. They look people in the eye. They create a connection to the listener. They said the magic of great storytelling, or any rapport building exercise, there’s one simple rule in place, “High risk, high reward, low risk, low reward.” That means to tell a great story. Sometimes you have to do something risky. You don’t want to get yourself in trouble. But you want to follow that amazing line of risk and a story. Because of that risk. And a little bit of self-disclosure, it will give you a deeper connection with your listeners. There’s a bit of a risk that you’ll expose too much of yourself. Maybe you’ll embarrass yourself. But it may be that you will connect with the listener more than ever.

And like anything else, becoming a great storyteller is about doing it over time. The first time you tell a great story, it might not be great. But as you get better and better and better at it, you’ll learn where that line between risk and reward or too much disclosure and pain will come in and get you. So you’ll get better at it as you go along.

They put these disclosures about yourself into three different levels. Light Disclosure is a funny story about yourself. Maybe it’s a little bit embarrassing. But again, it clearly has a beginning, middle, and end. And it’s usually something funny that happened to you in the course of daily life. Then there’s the Medium Disclosure that’s a little bit more serious and involves your beliefs, your opinions, your ideas. It’s a bit riskier because there’s someone out there who’s going to be affected by your thoughts and your feelings. They say Medium Disclosures are best when you’ve already built some connection to your listeners. They need to feel safe before you start revealing things that are even a medium kind of risk. Otherwise, they’ll walk out of the room feeling uncomfortable. And then comes the Heavy Disclosures, and those are the riskiest and most painful kinds of stories where you are sharing what they say are your fears, your failures, your insecurities, and your pain. The risks are hard because if you don’t tell the story correctly, it may make you sound pitiful,  weak. Your listeners might laugh at you instead of feeling it with you. They may feel something very negative about you. So you got to be careful about those high-risk, Heavy Disclosure stories. But sometimes, the most remarkable stories on the planet involve those risky stories.

They also say that good storytelling comes with practice. You practice your speech with yourself. You practice it with other people. They say that you head off to a Toastmasters meeting, which is a great piece of advice or join a storytelling group. Maybe you start reading stories at your local library to get better at it. But whatever it is you need to do, you have to get practice and doing that. So here are some suggestions they give to get some practice with the story. First of all, start listing out some of the favorite stories about yourself. It’s just a brief overview of some of the favorite stories you either love to tell or love to think about. Pick one of your favorite in the list and list out the important pieces of that story. What happened, and write them down in a way that makes sense to you. And put them in order. Then comes the backstory. How did you get to this point of your favorite story. And then they say just go ahead and start practicing. And you want to get to the point where you practice without your notes. You don’t want your story just seeing canned, over-rehearsed, or like you’re reading any kind of a script. They say that telling stories are a bit like telling a joke. You want to try it a few different ways and remember the important parts and emphasize different bits of the story.

When I was getting started in podcasting, someone from a very well known podcast made a mistake. And they left all the different attempts at them saying specific sentences in their podcast. Not only would they say the sentence they were going to say, but it probably said some of the main sentences four or five times was an editing mistake happening all the time in podcasts. But for me, who is someone who is brand new to podcasting, I got a chance to listen to how this very professional person was able to change the tone of the story by saying the same sentences in many different ways. It helped me. I was glad she made a mistake because it taught me a valuable lesson about tone. Try it out, try telling your story with some different voices with some other ways of saying it, try it funny, or maybe try it serious and see which one comes off best.

They also suggest that you try to avoid some of the pitfalls when it comes to public speaking. And some of them are things like vocal fry. And vocal fry is hard to do. But it’s something like where you’re kind of gravelly in your voice. And then there’s up talking because I’m not sure what I’m going to say. And I’m not sure what I’m going to do. But I hope you like this? One of the problems with up talking is it makes you sound very insecure. I do it. You know it’s a fault of mine too. But try to avoid that if you can get away from it. And then there’s always pronouncing words correctly. You’ll see people will talk about the shreets, its streets. Take some time when you’re trying to become an excellent storyteller to say things correctly.

Have your body language match your storytelling. You can always use it in a more literal sense. If you’re grabbing something in your story, you can reach your arms out. If you’re hugging someone, you can spread your arms out like you were hugging them. And sometimes, if you’re comparing two separate ideas, you can use your right hand for one idea and your left hand for the other idea. But make sure your body language matches the kind of story you’re telling. Also, keep in mind that you want to have a good look on your face, that you are gesturing frequently. Otherwise, you kind of look like you’re almost falling asleep yourself. The Art of Charm podcast said that stories are always about the journey. They’re not necessarily even about the destination, or how the person ends up at the very end. It’s about that process of getting from the beginning  to the end, and all the emotion built into that.

They said the number one reason why the endpoint of the story is really not what you should focus on is because sometimes people can’t identify with the end of the story. They identify with the struggle you’re having, getting to the end of the story. That’s what really connects with people so that you can bring them in. If I were telling you a story about how I lost all this weight and got in shape. You might be sitting there saying well, good for you. I can’t get there. It’s not great for me. But if I talk about the steps and the struggles, you identify with that because you’ve had struggles too.  The story will connect with people, even if they’re not going after the goals, you’re going after, even if they’re not trying to do the things you want to do. And if you talk too much about the end goal, it’ll sound like you’re bragging. It’ll sound like you’re gloating. People won’t be that interested.

Keep in mind that storytelling is not a competition. It’s about connecting, in your way, with your own story. It’s not about beating other storytellers and being better than they are. Sometimes that will cause us to overstate the story and force it to be something that it’s not. This is not a competition. This is your story. Also, make sure that you keep in mind the knowledge of your audience when telling a story. If you’re talking about something, and it is over their head, the story will not connect with people. If you’re using technical terminology or concepts that you know, they don’t know. Then the story is not going to land no matter how great the rest of the story is. You always have to speak to the level of the person that you’re talking to. And that doesn’t mean talking down to them, but it might be using fewer abbreviations, less technical terms, and talking about what it is. I’ve seen people speak and trainers speak, because they want to sound smart. And maybe there’s some insecurity that they don’t feel like people trust that they know what they’re talking about. And they will come out on day one of training and try to blow people’s doors off. With all this technical talk, all these terms. These people have not been exposed to the material yet, and maybe they know peripherally what that kind of thing is. They don’t know what you’re talking about, however. It’s day one of training. And so even keeping the story detail at the listener’s level, that’s what’s going to make it land.

So the Art of Charm podcast gives you eight steps to telling a great story.

1. Where does the story not just begin but back it up to before the story begins. So people understand how we got into the position that we got into. They call it giving that point of departure to your account. Think about Spiderman. He was in a lab, and he got bit by a radioactive spider. That’s how the story takes off.
2. Articulating what the want or the need is, or what problem are you trying to solve when it came to that story? You set the stage. Now, what is it that you need to do to succeed in this story? Everybody can connect with that on an emotional level. Even if they’re not doing the thing you’re doing, they still understand a desire for something they don’t have or wish they want to happen. And it explains to people why you would throw yourself into whatever situation is about to happen.
3. Why did you decide to do what you did? What was that pivot point in your decision that puts you in that direction? Then they say to make sure that you go through how you prepared yourself for whatever journey you’re about to take. How did you plan for it? How did you pack? What did you decide to do? How did you prepare yourself for this? That will bring people in.
4. Then, the next part of the story they call the search? How are you going to find the thing you’re looking for? Is how did you launch yourself? How did the investigation begin? Where did you go? How did you start to look for the very thing that you’ve wanted to find?
5. They say that these first four steps are about painting the picture, showing the emotion, the thought, the planning that goes into this adventure that you’re telling someone about.
6. The next steps are a bit more interchangeable than the first, for which we’re setting the stage by bringing in the emotion and your desires and showing them on your face or in your body or in your hands and gestures that will bring the listener into your story. And that’s what sells the story to the person. So that’s painting the emotion.
7. Talk about finding what it is that you’re looking for. Sometimes it’s straightforward. Oh, there it is. I was looking for this my whole life. I traveled halfway around the world to get it. And there it was sitting on a table. But sometimes, finding it is emotional. And if you can also bring that emotion into actually reaching to the place where you see your goal before you, that helps,
8. The payoff of the story. Did you get the thing you wanted to, or maybe you didn’t get the thing you wanted to? Perhaps you’re still looking for what you’re trying to do. Maybe you’re still trying to lose weight. Or maybe you’re still trying to get that perfect dream job. Whatever it is, you have to tell how the story is right now, when it comes to that thing you were seeking. The outcome of the story is also about how you are as a human being. Sometimes there’s joy. Sometimes there’s a disappointment. And sometimes there’s just an abject failure in your goals. This is where you bring your real humanity into the story.
9. The last point of the Art of Charm podcast is that you want to talk about the lesson you learned. Whether it was, I thought this was going to be great, and it was great. It changed my life. Or maybe it wasn’t great. Or maybe you didn’t get what you wanted, but you learn something valuable out of it. What is the takeaway from your story? What did you learn? There was something throughout this entire story that you learn from this process? And what was that? What can you teach them, so they know when they’re faced with something similar, they know how to deal with it better because they heard your story?
10. https://theartofcharm.com/podcast-episodes/785-how-to-tell-a-great-story-in-8-easy-steps/

Summary

1. “Trigger” common human experiences, make it “sparkle” with last groans and enlightenment, and make it a “boomerang” where it reconnects with people in the audience.
2. Get people curious with a “hook” or do a “crash story.”
3. Find critical elements of a story, put them to back the story up a bit, and then launch the story
4. Make your important message the highlight of the story without too many useless facts.
5. Build emotion, add some risk and build a rapport with your audience.
6. Look at your stories that you love to tell. Pick your favorite, find the right tone, the right gestures, and start the journey.
7. Speak correctly and with the right level of terminology and jargon
8. Review the eight rules of telling a great story from the Art of Charm podcast

Challenge

• Come up with a small story in under 10 minutes. That is one of your favorite stories in your life. Get it to be perfect. Get the essential details, put them in the right order, and put in exciting terms emotions and the journey. Practice it and get good at this concise story. Once you get good at one small level, it’ll help you get better at other stories too.

Our fun movie quote comes from Michael Scott in The Office.

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. And I think I proved that today at the dojo.”

Maybe the best advice I can give you is not to take any advice from Michael Scott.

“I never learned anything while I was talking” –  Larry King.

Today we’re going to talk about a part of the book Captivate, The Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa van Edwards. She’s great. I love this book. It’s one of my favorite books. She tries to help people feel comfortable when communicating with other people. Whether it’s a short term thing, like at a conference, or giving speeches or telling stories. She really tries to hit home those ideas when it comes to communication. And so we’re going to talk about some of her key points about how to really captivate people, and I think that the true gem of this book is even if you have a very short amount of time with them.

https://www.scienceofpeople.com/captivate/

https://www.amazon.com/Captivate-Vanessa-Van-Edwards-audiobook/dp/B06XK2P1WG/ref=sr_1_1

The first thing she wants you to know that hands are really important when it comes to revealing a lot of information about a person. And the reason that’s built into us is that sometimes people had a weapon in their hands. And so the first thing that you see when you see someone, and you see that there’s nothing in their hand, you know that they’re not a threat. You keeping your hands visible will help you make people feel more comfortable around you. I always try to just rest them gently in front of me on a table and not keep them hidden underneath the table.

The second aspect is posture. You have seen people who have had terrible posture, and it causes this thought in you that they’re not very confident. According to a Carnegie Mellon University study, confidence is everything when it comes to an interview. In fact, it matters more than a candidate’s reputation, or personal history, or skills. You have to sound like you can confidently take over this job. That you can do this and that you’re trustworthy. And so your posture should be stellar. You should sit with your shoulders back, your head up, and with your arms a little bit away from your torso. One of the things that you’ll see with people when they’re feeling not confident is that they seem to try to shrink. Their hands and their arms are very tucked in towards their body. Their legs are sort of curled up. Their knees, or even curled up to their chest to try to look as small as humanly possible. That is a sign of a person who’s trying to hideaway. It’s not a sign that inspires confidence. So making sure that you take up a little bit bigger space. In reading this book, she said that you could always tell who the boss is in the room, typically, because they’re the person who’s taking up the biggest amount of space.

The last step they talk about is eye contact. The best way that you can tell someone really wants to be on your side and respects what you’re saying is the fact that they’re giving you eye contact. If they’re looking away, they’re not paying attention to what you’re saying. Maybe they’re looking down at their phone even worse, that tells you they’re not interested in you. So make sure you keep that eye contact going. Allan Pease is a body language expert, and in his book, The Definitive Book of Body language and he says that you build a connection with someone, you should maintain eye contact with them 60% to 70% of the time. That’s hard sometimes. And I’d say that when it talks about looking away or looking at your phone, have you ever been at a conference, or at a meeting where someone’s checking their phone, or looking even worse at the room and trying to see “Oh, is there someone else here I could talk to than the person I’m talking to?” It really just makes you feel a little. So sometimes, if I’m actually looking for a person, and I was standing in the corner, scanning the room looking for a particular person, and then someone comes up and talks to me, I’ll explain to them right away that I’m looking for a person, please don’t feel insulted if you see me look away.

In the Science of People Survey, they asked 1000 readers the following question, “Which of these habits annoy you the most? 1. people who are too talkative 2. People, who are too quiet? 3. People who are fake 4. People who are show-offs. And in the study, people who are fake lead was 63%, and people who show off were a distant second at 22%. Keep in mind what people call the “humble brag.” We’re always used to the people who show off. But sometimes people will say, “Oh my gosh, you know, the other day I’m so clumsy. I dropped my most prestigious award on the floor, and it nearly broke into two. Thank goodness, it wasn’t wrecked!” So she also suggests that if you’re unhappy at an event, people will sense it that comes off as fake. Pushing through, faking it while you try to make it work, does not work. If you’re just not happy there, people understand that. And they understand that you’re not really wanting to be there. I tell you that one of my special things at conferences that I love to do,  is I try to look for the people who look like they’re having a miserable time. And I try to go over there and find some way of brightening their day, making that whole thing more fun for them.

Vanessa, suggest coming up with your favorite types of locations. So she’s trying to challenge you to come up with what she calls “My Thrive Locations.” That’s where you really succeed. And then she said, there’s the “My Neutral Locations” and “My Survive Locations.” Those are the ones where you’re just trying to survive. Writing those down and trying to figure out in what situations you are the best at. For me, it’s sitting down with a couple people. Sitting at dinner and talking with people. It’s my favorite thing. That’s where I thrive; close contact. My Neutral Locations tend to be at large dinners or large mixers, where people are walking around with snacks and hors d’oeuvres. It’s not my favorite thing. And My Survive Location is anything that resembles a party. If suddenly the booze comes out and the loud music comes out, I am really just not great for that.

So I learned after reading this book that I’m not really helping myself by throwing myself into these situations. When I go to a conference, I’m great at meeting up with people one by one, talking to someone in the corner, seeing how they’re doing, finding out how their software’s working or their product is going to have any sorts of problems. I’m pretty good at that. That’s where I try to put all my energy. But when I go to the large group dinners, as I said, I do all right at that. And so I try to at least show-up, meet with people and talk with people. But as soon as the liquor and the music come out, I realized I’m not having fun. And I’m not going to do very well either. And I used to force myself to go to those events. What I decided to do is to push all my efforts and all my time at actually being at the conferences. But as soon as the shots come out, as soon as the music comes out, I retire early, and I go back to my room. Or sometimes I just find a quiet place where I can be with just a few people. So I tried to take that My Survive Location, and I try to go to the outer edges, where I can get back into My Neutral Locations. Make sure that where you’re interacting with people is where you’re at best.

So the next part she talks about is how there was a study by Ambady and Rosenthal, and they looked at how effective teachers are. And they found out that students determine how effective a teacher will be based on the first few seconds of that person walking in the room. They don’t even wait for the first words to come out of their mouth. A lot of times, what people will do when they’re in a conference or at a reception, and they’re going to talk to people is that they walk into the room. And if it’s not their favorite thing to let out a big sigh. And then they’ll sort of look around the room. And they’ll try to find someone that they can hang out with for the night. And then they sort of slouch their way over to that person and then talk to them. I know I’ve been there before after reading that in the book. Stop doing that. Before you walk into that area, maybe even before you leave your hotel room, good posture, your eyes up, try to think of something that’s pleasurable that makes you smile.

So Vanessa’s people went and looked at some of the most popular TED Talks. And so they rated them based on a number of things.  Could they tell within the first seven seconds how that TED talk was going to do? And so they analyzed hundreds of hours of those TED Talks, and they counted gestures, measure the voice, variety, smiling, and body movements, and they found that the first impressions did not come from what that Ted Talk said, but instead, how they said it and how they framed themselves with their body language. She said that you want to make a powerful first impression by non verbally hacking all three levels of trust, showing your hands looking confident with your posture, taking up physical space, and keeping eye contact with a crowd or with the person you’re talking to.

She said that great conversations are exhilarating, and they leave you hoping that you keep talking for more and make for a fantastic time, either at work or wherever you’re having these small conversations. She said that the important thing when it comes to small conversations is small talk. Everyone doesn’t like small talk. Oh, how are you? How’s the weather? Hey, I saw it snowed yesterday. What helps people have that roller-coaster excitement when it comes to a conversation is to bring it up a notch. Use big talk, descriptive terms, make people feel something exciting is about to happen. Whenever we have this great conversation with someone, it increases their dopamine levels. Big conversations with descriptive terms and challenging chitchat are exciting. It’s one of those really great things that you can have with people. And she suggests that when you do that, have that descriptive conversation with the big talk, spark memories and novelty and bring in new ideas and new topics.

When they did a survey about some of the best questions, you can ask people, instead of saying, Well, how was your day? Instead? Talk about what was the highlight of your day? What personal passion project are you working on right now? Has anything exciting coming up in your life? What’s your story? What brings you here? What do you do? When you’re trying to create a great conversation, you really sync with people. Those are topics like hobbies, activities that light that person up, and you know that you’ve really hit it when they start to shake their head? “Yes!” They murmur, “Oh, yeah!” Are they lean in a little bit more? Or sometimes, if it’s in an email, they wrote an email back that was a little longer than they intended to. It’s one of those things where you really can get people in. We want to hear things like, “Wow!” “Huh!” You want to get “oos” and “ahhs”. You want to get smiles and gestures. That’s when you know that you’ve really hit on the right thing. She suggests using follow up questions and using different words to shake things up.

And make sure that you say people’s names. People love to hear their names. It will also help you remember their names. Remembering people’s names and, hopefully, one thing about them is really important. But she gives a bit of advice that if you’re not really good at remembering names, that you want to make sure you repeat it often, that you spell it in your brain, that you try to anchor it to something associated with them. And if you really forget someone’s name, and I know I’ve used this before in my personal life, too. What you do is,  someone will come over, and you say, “Oh, hi, I want you to meet my good friend Sally. You know, Sally is one of the preeminent skiers in this area.” And then Sally will reach her hand over and say, “Hi, I’m Sally.” And that person you cannot remember their name will say, “Oh, Hi, I’m Bob Smith, it’s great to meet you” Now they said their name. So sometimes that can get you out of some hot water if you can’t remember their names, and try to remember something interesting about them. This is about being genuinely interested in other people. When you’re genuinely interested in other people, that will come out. Those are the things that will tie you together.

Try to bring out mutual interests or mutual contacts. “I met Sarah, your organization last year. Do you work with her?” If they did, that’s a connection that will help bring you together. Or if you happen to know something about them that will help you to if you have something in common with that person. So the one method that she talks about when it comes to keeping conversation exciting is she says to us, “why.” “Who,” “what,” “when,”  “where” are boring questions because they’re all factual. “I was at the mall yesterday, I saw Bob. Bob was wearing a weird hat.” But then you get into, and you say, “Why was Bob wearing a weird hat?” “Oh, well, let me tell you! We had this party at our office, and it was weird that day. And Bob forgot to take the weird hat off” whatever is the reason why that makes the conversation suddenly exciting. So if you ask the why question, that will make any conversation more exciting than it was before.

The last thing is to try to fix their problems. I spend half my time at conferences or at places trying to introduce people to other people. An introduction when you can tell two people something that’s mutual about them, how much that brings them together. Half the time when I’m talking to someone and I make an introduction, I bow out of the conversation because now the two of them are just the closest of friends.

Forbes magazine, just to wrap it up, had simple ways of having a more meaningful conversation.

• Don’t think about what you’re going to say next.
• Ask good questions.
• Do your homework about that other person, if it’s appropriate and not creepy.
• Try to relate to the person in a genuine way.
• Let the person sell themselves to you. People love to talk about what they’re great at.
• Ask people how you can help or how you can help them connect.
• Reach out in meaningful ways to that person. If you can tell they’re hurting, offer them comfort. If you can tell, they just want someone to listen to, be there for them.
• Decrease barriers.
• Listen and remember what they said.
• Don’t make this about yourself or trying to sell yourself or your product. Actually listened to that person.
• Recognize other people who are standing around and don’t make people feel like outsiders. Sometimes when you’re talking at a conference or talking in a large group of people, or talking at Zoom people, you can tell that there’s a core group of people who are really active in the community. And so make sure that nobody feels like an outsider. If you see that one person who’s out there doesn’t look like they’re enjoying your meeting, find a way to bring them into the conversation.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/johnhall/2013/08/18/13-simple-ways-you-can-have-more-meaningful-conversations

Summary

1. Show your hands, have good posture, and keep good eye contact.
2. Don’t be fake or show off.
3. Make sure your best impression starts at the doorway, even before you said anything.
4. Use exciting words, new ideas, and ask great questions.
5. Remember names and details about people. Be genuinely curious. Solve their problems if you can, and introduce them to other people by showing what they have in common and what types of great conversations they can have together.

Challenge

• Starts small by making everyday conversations more exciting. Consider your tone, your fun words, and your exciting ideas. Even when you’re talking to people that you talk to you every day. The more practice you get in, the better you’ll get at this.

Now for a fun quote,

“The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes. “

And that quote comes from Ron Swanson and Parks and Recreation. Maybe that’s not the best piece of advice when it comes to building good relationships. Definitely care about people. It’s the way to go.

“Brevity is the soul of wit.”  – William Shakespeare.

How do you communicate with people in the modern world, whether remotely through video meetings or in-person? Getting that right can help us in so many ways. It can help us build human connections. It can help us with our jobs and our careers, helping us be understood. An elevator speech is going to represent you. It communicates about your professional personality, your present employment, maybe your status, a future job, something unique about your qualities that can benefit anybody in other organizations, your customers, or people inside your organization. It can be used at the beginning of a presentation; when you’re introducing yourself, you have something ready to go to talk to people about what you’re doing if you’re recruiting people for your nonprofit organization. Or maybe you’re looking for donors or volunteers. An elevator speech can help you quite a bit. Perhaps you’re a craft person, and you want to talk about what you love to do. Sometimes it’s just handy if someone says, “So tell me about yourself.”

Another example is my friend who works with a nonprofit organization. And sometimes, it isn’t straightforward to explain exactly what it is that they’re trying to do. Having an elevator speech so that she can define the goals of their organization and the goals of what she does within that organization helps her get her message out. And also, what it helps with is if you tend to be a little bit shy, you don’t like speaking to people, it gives you a practice clip that allows you to fall back on if someone asks you a question.

https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20170723-the-case-against-personal-brands

Sometimes people have them when they’re looking for a job. A lot of job websites encourage you to have an elevator speech. This is about having a very concise idea of what it is we’re trying to explain. It can be anywhere from 30 seconds to two minutes, depending on the purpose. To give you an example, I have a job that’s hard to explain to people. And so often, I’ll go to conferences, and people will say, “let me know what is it that you actually do?” And the first few times, I would stumble around. Well, I do this, and I do that. And it oh, you know, sometimes I’ll do this too. And people will be more confused sometimes at the end of me trying to explain what I do than it should be. So that’s where I decided to come up with a short elevator speech of my job and how it helps customers explain it very well.

This is not about having a brand. I like the quote from Sheryl Sandberg, “I get this question a lot. I shut her every time. Crest has a brand. Perrier has a brand. People are not that simple. When we are packaged, we are ineffective and inauthentic. What we have is a voice. Don’t package yourself just speak honestly, factually, and from your experience.” And that’s what I’m talking about when it comes to this elevator speech. We’re not trying to come up with a brand. We’re trying to come up with ways to explain something either about us or something that we do, or something we’re trying to accomplish in a very concise manner. It’s also a great idea to have many elevator speeches so that you’re prepared in many different kinds of situations. Maybe one of them has to do with your job. Another has to do with your hobby. And a third one has to do with the volunteer work you do.

A great TED talk was advertised as a 10-minute method of figuring out who you are. But it was an excellent step in actually beginning the essential work of your elevator speech. He asked you to do a couple of things. And I highly recommend looking at the video itself. But he says, you first say your name, who are you? “I’m Jill,” What do you do? “I teach people” Who you do it for? “Anyone who wants to learn something new,” Or if it was work-related, “my customers.” What do they need or want that you can give them “an education about the software my company makes.” How do they need to change as a result? “so they can learn the software and use it in the best possible way satisfying the needs of their organization, their research and their supervisors.” And then you piece the whole thing together. And that’s the beginning of your elevator speech. That’s a great place to start. Notice two of them are about you, but three of them are about other people because he says that you can help them become happier once you know who you are. After all, you have to focus on something that you’re great at on other people. I love that Ted Talk. It was amazing.

The book we’re going to talk about today is a book by David Winegar, The Elevator Pitch of You. He talks about how to come up with an elevator pitch for whatever reason it is you need one. So the first thing this book talks about is how to deliver your elevator speech at least a little bit before we’ve gotten to the point where we’ve written one. He suggests doing this with someone else in the room and say the following sentences. I didn’t say she loved me. I didn’t say she loved me. I didn’t say she loved me. I didn’t say she loved me. I didn’t say she loved me. I didn’t say she loved me. There you go. So the same sentence over and over again can have such a different impact. And that’s why when you’re thinking about your delivery when it comes to anything, you want to think about how much your tone works when going over written material. I have to think about that all the time with the podcast. Sometimes I’ll record something, and I go, “Whoa, that came over way more stern than I really wanted it to be. I kind of thought it was funny, I really meant it to be funny. Let me record that in a different tone.” That’s what happens.

https://davidcwinegar.com/

He says that a fair statement divides an elevator speech into four parts.

1.Statement of who you are.

2. Statement of what you offer.

3. How your strengths help you achieve that success.

4. What you value, and how it contributes to making you and those you work with more successful.

The elevator speech is a brief message or a commercial about yourself. They call it an elevator speech because it takes the amount of time you’re in an elevator with someone. So the idea is that if you are suddenly in an elevator with the one person who could make your dream happen, what would you say to them? And then here’s the important thing, you have to practice. Get good at this speech. It’s essential to be able to say it out loud, sound natural, and sound comfortable. So then, when you get into that high-pressure situation, you’re smooth.

Another study by David Sherman in North Carolina State University found that you need to score on certain things for people to really consider what you’re saying or to take to you well. And those four C’s were 1. Capability -They believe that you have the knowledge and skill to get done what you say you can get done or get done the things you hope to do. It builds trust in that person. 2. Caring – I believe you’re on my side. You show that you’re warm, empathetic and that you care about the needs of the person you’re speaking to. 3. Candor -I believe you’re truthful, that you have honesty and integrity, and that you’re not trying to fool me. 4. Consistency -I think you will act reliably. So when you’re considering creating your elevator speech, keep those four C’s in mind. He says that when people are considering someone for a job. Do they consider why anyone would want to spend every day working with you? And how are you going to help the company, most notably me, the interviewer be more successful? And I can tell you after sitting through numbers of interviews, you know, people are fancy, and people try to get all over-practiced in their interviews. But you have to realize that when you’re going in for an interview for a job, or you know, even maybe helping a nonprofit or anything, that person thinks I need help. Is this person going to be someone who helps me and someone I want to be with a lot? Keep in mind that if you are creating any elevator speech, that you want to make sure that people feel like you’re likable and that you’re going to do the thing that you say that you’re going to do.

A woman named Jenny Blake wrote a book called Pivot, which we’ll talk about someday. And she came up with this excellent elevator speech that the author of this book liked. She says, “I’m an author, speaker, career coach, and business strategist living in New York City. I love helping awesome people like you, organize your brain, move beyond burnout, and build a sustainable career you love. I am fascinated for navigating change in a rapidly evolving economy. And I geek out exploring and creating systems at the intersection of the mind, body and business. I live for helping smart, talented, optimistic people like you embrace chaos, fear, insecurity, and uncertainty as a doorway.” And so you can see what she did because she tried to combine all of those things. She explained who she is. She explained what she likes to do. She explains why she’s particularly good at what she does and wants to be helpful and compassionate to people like you. It’s this combination that you’re trying to put together. Now, this particular one is so that she can get people to join her consulting.

Amy Cuddy, who we’ve mentioned before, talks about the “Power Pose,” and Princeton psychologist Susan Riske said people would judge you on two factors throughout the world. Are you friendly, well-intentioned, and competent? So keep in mind how the tone of whatever elevator pitch you’re going to give will show you. Psychologist Nicholas Kervyn found out that when you present people with facts from two different groups of people, one who is warm and cold, they assume that the warm group was less competent than the cold group. So the thing that you want to do is find that balance between friendliness and competency. And when you’re considering your elevator pitch, you want to make sure it expresses those two items.

I’ll tell you that I have historically had a problem where I am a very friendly person, and I had a boss come right out and say to me, “You act so friendly and nice towards people, no one is ever going to take you seriously. And you’re going to have to knock it off with laughing, because as soon as you start to laugh with that laugh, immediately, it removes all credibility from you.” Wow, I can’t be friendly, and I can’t laugh? Wow. And it’s one of those things where you went home on a Friday, and you just sat there puzzling at this. How can I live in this world as a friendly, warm person without acting as a friendly, warm person? And so what you realize is he’s wrong, and you can’t give that up. People like that. But what you have to do is make sure that you show your competency, as much as you show your warmth, show that you’re talented, that you know what you’re talking about, that you absolutely can help them. And that will help you, even if you’re a nice person, and where it helped me because I did not give up the warmth, people come to me after classes or conferences. “I’m really struggling with this. Do you think we could sit down later today at dinner, and you can explain this to me?” and people come to me when they’re concerned that they can’t understand something. They feel like they should, but they know that I’m not going to be that person who shuns them. And that builds bridges with people. And some of those people were the very leaders of the organization. They felt out of touch. They felt like they didn’t understand something. And I was able to win their trust and have them come to me and asked me to help them.

Remember, perception is a big thing when it comes to how you’re going to present yourself even before you have your elevator pitch, and your tone and delivery will help with that perception all the way. So Jeff Bezos, who we all know is the founder of Amazon, said, “Your brand is what other people say about you when you’re not in the room,” and he gave a formula that its strength + talent, +- behaviors. And that’s the value to those you serve. Again, we’re not talking about branding, but keep in mind that that’s how other people may rate you.

Part of the book talks about making sure that you use action verbs. Don’t speak passively. When you speak passively, which I have a real tendency to do, it makes you sound weaker than you hope to express. It makes you sound like you’re not an active person. And you can say, I help people succeed because I enable them with the knowledge to do their job the best they can! Action words!  So you want to make sure that you can do that.

Another article talked about how to put together an elevator speech, and it took on different aspects.

• Keep it brief.
• Practice it,
• Be prepared.
• Know your audience.
• Verbalize action – Remember, keep those action words going.
• End your story with a question. It can be as simple as “So what do you do?”

Why You Need an Elevator Speech and Tips to Create One

Summary

1. Make sure that you consider your tone every time you’re giving a vocal delivery. And practice with other people to make sure your tone is correct.
2. Make sure that whenever you speak, you sound capable, caring, that you have candor and consistency. It’ll help you in creating a connection with people.
3. Make sure you’re warm and competent.
4. When writing your elevator speech, start with the statement of who you are, a statement of what you offer. A statement of how your strengths will help you achieve success and what you value, and how it contributes to making others around you successful

Challenge

• Write an elevator speech, presenting who you are. You can make it about your work, your hobbies, your volunteer life, or anything that you think would be nice to have a quick explanation that you can give to other people.

Our fun movie quote of the day comes from Bull Durham talking about the image that you present.

“Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You’ll never make it to the Bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you’ll be classy. If you win 20 in The Show, you can let the fungus grow back on your shower shoes, and the press will think you’re colorful until you win 20 in The Show, however, it means you’re a slob.”

I always love that particular speech because it shows that famous people can get away with things that other people can’t get away with. To give you an example, people in the podcasting world will say, Well, I don’t have to edit my podcast. Joe Rogan never edits his podcast. And the thing of it is, is that maybe when you’re Joe Rogan, or perhaps when you’re a popular podcaster, you might not have to edit your podcast because people will put up with you. But if you’re not Joe Rogan, or if you’re not one of the most popular podcasts in America, listens probably won’t give you that chance. So always keep in mind that when you give these speeches, you want to be yourself. You want to be authentic, but you also want to present the best foot forward.