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June 2024

Happiness

198 – Breaking Free from People Pleasing

by Jill

In a world that often values kindness and cooperation, the line between being nice and being a people pleaser can blur easily. Drawing insights from “Anxious to Please: Seven Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice” by James Rapson and Craig English we look at when being nice goes too far.

Understanding People Pleasing

People pleasing is more than just being nice; it’s a pattern of behavior where one prioritizes others’ needs at the expense of their own well-being. Chronic people pleasers often grapple with low self-esteem, depression, and strained relationships. They constantly seek approval, second guess their decisions, and feel guilty when they can’t meet others’ expectations.

I used to constantly worry about making everyone happy, often ignoring my own needs. Whether it was staying late at work or always deferring to others’ preferences, my actions were driven by a deep-seated fear of rejection and a desire for validation.

Recognizing the Problem

The first step towards change is awareness. It’s crucial to identify situations where you are overly accommodating and reflect on the underlying emotions and thoughts. For example, if you often stay late at work to finish projects, ask yourself why. Are you genuinely interested in the task, or are you afraid of disappointing your boss? Once you become aware of your behavior, you can start taking steps to address it.

Steps to Overcome People Pleasing

  1. Small Acts of Self-Assertion: Begin with minor actions that assert your needs. This could be something as simple as suggesting a restaurant you like or declining to stay late at work. These small steps can build your confidence and help you prioritize your needs without feeling guilty.
  2. Forgiveness and Patience: Changing long-standing habits takes time. Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Recognize that it’s okay to make mistakes and that every small step forward is progress.
  3. The Desert Practice: Spend time in solitude to reconnect with your desires and needs. This practice helps you understand what truly matters to you, away from the influence of others. During the podcast, I shared how camping alone has helped me learn to listen to my own voice and prioritize my preferences.
  4. Developing a Personal Ethic: Adopt a mindset akin to a warrior, who acts based on personal ethics rather than automatic niceness. This involves making conscious decisions that align with your values and capabilities. For example, if you decide to help a neighbor shovel snow, do it because it aligns with your values, not because you feel compelled to be seen as helpful.

Conclusion

People pleasing, while often stemming from good intentions, can be detrimental when it leads to self-neglect. By cultivating awareness, taking small steps towards self-assertion, and developing a personal ethic, you can balance kindness towards others with self-respect and authenticity. Remember, it’s about being kind without compromising your own well-being.

Our journey towards a more balanced approach to niceness begins with small, intentional steps. By recognizing our patterns, practicing self-assertion, and developing a personal ethic, we can navigate the challenges of people pleasing and lead more authentic, fulfilling lives.

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2024Goals

197 – Seven Key Questions to Be Self-Aware

by Jill

Understanding our essential self is a journey, one that requires introspection and a willingness to ask challenging questions. We look into these questions, drawing from Dain Dunston’s book, Being Essential: Seven Questions for Living and Leading with Radical Self-Awareness. This two-part series emphasizes the importance of self-awareness in navigating life’s journey and achieving personal growth.

Question 1: Where Are You?

This question, reminiscent of God’s inquiry to Adam in the Garden of Eden, asks us to evaluate our current position in life. It’s not just about our physical location but our emotional and psychological state. Understanding where we are allows us to chart a course for where we want to go.

Question 2: Why Are You Here?

Identifying the meaning behind our existence and actions can transform our approach to life. Knowing our purpose provides clarity and direction, making everyday challenges more manageable.

Question 3: Who Are You Being?

This question examines the roles we play in life. Are we acting as our essential selves or as synthetic versions of ourselves? Recognizing the difference is crucial for authentic living.

Question 4: What Do You Want?

Our desires and dreams shape our journey. Understanding what we truly want out of life helps us align our actions with our goals, creating a cohesive path forward.

Question 5: What Wants to Happen?

This metaphysical question encourages us to understand the broader direction of our lives. It’s about aligning our personal journey with the larger movements of the world or our community.

Question 6: What Don’t You Know?

Acknowledging our knowledge gaps and actively seeking to fill them is vital for growth. It’s about confronting the unknowns that hinder our progress.

Question 7: How Does This Feel?

Finally, assessing our emotional responses to our journey is essential. Mixed feelings are natural, and understanding them helps us navigate the complexities of our paths.

By reflecting on these questions, we can better understand our essential selves, leading to a more purposeful and fulfilling life. As Burroughs suggests, even small steps towards self-awareness can make a significant difference in our overall well-being.

Books
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2024PsychologyUncategorized

196 – Your Essential Being

by Jill

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, we often lose sight of who we truly are. Radical self-awareness is a transformative practice that allows us to reconnect with our core identity. This journey, inspired by Dane Dunstan’s book “Being Essential: Seven Questions for Living and Leading with Radical Self-Awareness,” helps us discover our essential self and navigate life with clarity and purpose.

Radical self-awareness encompasses emotional intelligence, perceptiveness, and critical thinking. It involves recognizing our strengths, weaknesses, and motivations. Understanding our essential self empowers us to lead our minds and make decisions aligned with our true nature, rather than succumbing to external influences.

Many people face the challenge of being boxed into outdated perceptions by those around them. These labels can stifle growth and prevent us from embracing our evolved selves. Reflecting on personal experiences, Jill, the podcast host, shares how she transitioned from being someone who sought external validation through shocking behavior to someone who found purpose and direction by understanding her essential self.

Dunstan’s concept of the “essential child” encourages us to revisit childhood passions and moments of pure joy. These memories can serve as a guide to understanding what truly makes us feel alive. For Jill, it was the peace of being in nature and the joy of learning new things that resonated with her essential child. Recognizing these core desires helps us align our lives with our authentic selves.

Self-awareness also involves distinguishing between genuine aspirations and synthetic desires imposed by societal norms. Many of us pursue goals that aren’t truly ours, leading to a sense of unfulfillment. By identifying what we genuinely want, we can set meaningful goals and make choices that reflect our true selves.

Dunstan suggests using questions to explore our essential self. Reflecting on where we feel most alive, what excites us, and what we naturally gravitate towards can provide insights into our true nature. This process not only helps us understand our path but also changes how we live our lives, leading to greater satisfaction and purpose.

In conclusion, radical self-awareness is a powerful tool for personal growth and fulfillment. By reconnecting with our essential self, we can lead lives that are true to our core values and desires. This journey requires introspection and a willingness to question our motives, but the rewards are profound. Embrace the practice of radical self-awareness and discover the unique song you were meant to sing.

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Goals

195 – Shortcuts in Achieving Goals

by Jill

In our pursuit of goals, the question often arises: is it acceptable to use shortcuts? This topic is more nuanced than it appears, blending practical considerations with ethical ones. Let’s explore the implications of using shortcuts to achieve goals and how they impact our learning, integrity, and success.

Shortcuts are often perceived negatively, equated with cheating or avoiding hard work. However, not all shortcuts are created equal. Tools like AI, productivity apps, and medical interventions can provide a leg up without compromising our values. For instance, scheduling software helps organize tasks and bills, improving efficiency without undermining our skills. This raises an essential question: when do shortcuts hinder personal growth, and when do they facilitate it?

Consider health and weight loss. Tools like Ozempic or gastric bypass surgery offer quick results but can bypass the critical learning process associated with lifestyle changes. This perspective is echoed by many who argue that reliance on such tools may lead to regaining weight once the shortcut is removed. The key issue here is whether these shortcuts help achieve long-term, sustainable health improvements or merely provide a temporary fix.

Similarly, in education and work, tools like AI can aid learning and productivity. For example, using Grammarly to improve writing can be educational, offering insights into common mistakes. However, outsourcing tasks like writing a book or completing assignments can lead to dependency and a lack of skill development. Using apps like Merlin to learn bird calls can be instrumental in finding and learning more about birds. People who already know the birds can scorn the app, but instead, they should look at it as an educational tool if people use it correctly.

For instance, I experience with weight loss—both through structured programs and gradual, self-directed efforts—demonstrates the importance of balancing immediate results with long-term habits. The same principle applies to financial management, where learning through experience often proves more valuable than quick fixes like debt bailouts.

Yet, shortcuts are not inherently negative. They can be beneficial when they provide necessary support without completely replacing personal effort. AI tools for content creation, for instance, can enhance productivity while still requiring user input and creativity. Similarly, health apps and wearable technology can promote fitness by offering motivation and tracking progress.

Ultimately, the decision to use shortcuts should be guided by their impact on learning and personal development. If a shortcut merely offers a temporary solution without fostering growth or understanding, it may be counterproductive. However, if it serves as a stepping stone towards greater efficiency and knowledge, it can be a valuable tool.

In conclusion, shortcuts can be both beneficial and detrimental, depending on their application and the individual’s approach. Balancing the use of shortcuts with a commitment to personal growth and ethical considerations ensures that they serve as aids rather than crutches in achieving our goals.

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